This Lifetime

Chapter 15

"Tama na!" Trina tried to stop me but I'm still sober, I want to be drunk.

Fuck.

"I want more" I'm so wasted but I want to be more wasted.

"Bumalik ka ng Pinas para uminom?!"

"Bumalik ako dito kasi akala ko okay na ako!" I'm starting to sob.

I thought seeing Yuan will make me feel better. That he's alive and well, pero hindi eh. He reminded me of how I take Abraham for granted.

Pinabayaan ko si Abraham. Kung sana hindi ko s'ya dinamay sa pag-iwas kay Yuan. Sana hindi n'ya naisip na hindi na s'ya mahalaga sa akin.

Mahal na mahal ko s'ya eh.

"Ky..." she rubbed my back, I pulled her into a hug. I'm sobbing quietly.

"Abraham was my life"

"I know"

"Sinabi ko naman sa kanya na mahal ko pa si Yuan pero mas mahal ko s'ya. Bakit naisip n'yang gawin 'yon?"

"Abraham loves you so much, but he's also a brother, don't beat yourself too much. He must've a deep reason why he'd chose to do something like that"

"No no no. Whatever the fuck the reason was, masyadong mabigat yung ginawa n'ya"

Hinatid n'ya ako sa Condo namin ni A. Hindi ko kayang i-give up itong condo. This is the only thing I have left na konektado sa relationship namin.

Hindi ko sinisisi si Yuan, it was just my defense mechanism, kasi hindi ko matanggap na wala na si Abraham.

Ganon naman diba? You tend to blame someone kahit na it's your own fault kasi indenial ka na kasalanan mo.

But you knew deep down inside that nobody else is to blame but yourself.

"I missed you so much" I said to no one. Iyon na ata ang mantra ko for the last three years.

"I'm sorry"

My head was throbbing, I feel like vomiting right now.

Hangover. Damn!

143 missed calls, all from Trina. Gosh that girl, she can be really really clingy minsan. Good clingy, kasi I like the attention she's giving me. It felt like that I still have someone who truly cares about me.

I mean yeah, I have my family and such, but they've been the root of all of these. Ayan na naman ako naghahanap ng masisisi sa buhay kong wala na atang pag-asa.

I sent her a text message that I managed to be alive after sleeping wasted. I didn't have a nightmare which I badly needed right now. Para naman may iba akong naiisip paggising ko sa araw-araw kaysa naman sa lagi nalang akong nalulungkot kasi wala ng Abraham.

Coffee lang sapat na para magsimula ulit ang madilim kong mundo.

I don't have a job, I quit everything three years ago. I quit living to be exact.

Nextflix is my only companion.

Tumatawag na naman si Trina, "What?"

"Wow hello din friend" the sarcasm in her voice is evident. Sanay naman sa akin 'to eh.

"Ano nga? Nanunood ako istorbo ka"

"Tss... ano yung ex mo nandito"

"Trin, nasa heaven na si A, don't joke around like that, it's not funny"

"Yung kapatid" natigilan ako, tsaka kumunot noo ko.

"Fyi, hindi ko yan ex, and tell him I don't want to talk or even see him" binaba ko agad yung tawag, I switched my phone off.

Tinuloy ko ang panunood. Nang magsawa ako, nag browse nalang ako sa facebook.

Yuan Lincoln Ezekiel Stevens sent you a message

I contemplated before reading...

My Yuan and only: I'm sorry Ky... I still don't know what to say to you. Sorry lang talaga. Pero sana maintindihan mo na hindi ko ginusto ang naging desisyon ng Kuya ko. I love him too at tulad mo nawalan din ako.

Omg, hindi ko pa pala napapalitan yung nickname n'ya. Hindi naman kasi ako nagbukas ng SNS sa loob ng tatlong taon.

You set the nickname for Yuan Lincoln Ezekiel Stevens to Lincoln

Much better.

I really liked his 2nd name.

I smiled upon seeing the change. Gosh, minsan nagiging bipolar na ako.

Me: I'm not yet ready to forgive myself, I don't know how will I ever forgive myself. You don't have to wait for me. I might die still blaming both of us of Abraham's death. Live your life, wag mo sayangin sa akin yung sakripisyo ng Kuya mo.

Marcus: Ky naman... wag ganito please... Let me help you, kung kailangan mo ng forgiveness, I'll give it to you, just please let me in to your life again.

Me: Even if you give me a million forgiveness it will never be enough, kasi gets mo ba? Sarili ko yung kailangan kong mapatawad. You reminded me of everything that had happened how will I be able to let you in my life again? Tigilan na natin 'to Yuan.

Minsan gusto ko na lang mag give in sa kanya. Kasi sa totoo lang, my love for him is still with me. Mahal ko pa rin s'ya pero hindi na kasi sapat para makasama ko pa s'ya.

Masyado akong naapektuhan sa mga nangyari. Napagod na rin kasi ako.

Pagod na pagod na ako magmahal.

//omg sobrang lungkot na ng story na 'to 😢 //