you put the O in disOrder ➢ (l.s)

O.8

(HARRY'S POV)

I can't see him today.

I can't even go to school.

I

am

ashamed.

Of myself.

I had to do it today.

Because it hurt so bad, and it was throbbing, and I was crying.

I hate touching myself.

Hate.

Hate.

Hate it.

I feel guilty, and horrible, and I simply cannot face Louis today. Not after what I did.

When I pulled down my boxers this morning, and wrapped my hand around my you-know-what, I was crying. Not only from the pulsing pain but the sheer fact that I felt pathetic, worthless, filthy, etc.

Louis texted me an hour after it happened, asking why I wasn't in school today and I can't get the courage to respond. What would I tell him anyways?

'Because I feel guilty that I had to get myself off to stop the pain in my cock'

Yeah. How about, no.

This project means so much to him, and I'm letting him down. I know I am, and that just makes me ten times more remorseful.

I've had to get myself off only a couple times though, because I usually just let the pain and the throbbing continue until I'm forced to like... let it out.

But it hurts so bad. All the time, and there is no cure.

Ten thousand tiny needles, that's what it feels like. They're all poking me in my god damn penis, and they refuse to stop in spite of me.

He texts me again, a half hour later, and I just stare at my phone, from where I'm laying on my bed.

I hesitate but pick it up anyway, as my fingers feel like sinners for the deed they did earlier.

'Bambi, is everything okay??'

'Are you sick?'

I groan with absolute despair and flop back on my bed after reading them. Why is Louis so persistent with me?

He can't possibly care that much.

'Yeah, got a fever'

I text back, and I feel like my whole body is being consumed by guilt today.

Just then my mom comes in and brings me some mac and cheese, and that lightens my mood a bit, because she knows how hard this is for me.

Bless her.

But, the worst part is, is that she knows, because she's seen.

She's seen me cry and has heard me screaming in exhaustion in the middle of the night.

That part of my body just never sleeps.

It's like a restless leg, or a UTI, or a new born baby in the middle of the night.

I remember last year, during Christmas dinner, an episode happened while I was sitting with my whole family.

I'm not talking intimidate family; like Mom, Dad, and sister.

Oh no.

I'm talking; Aunts, uncles, grandmothers, granddads, cousins, nephews, nieces. Even fucking infants for christ sake.

I moaned so loud, like multiple times, in front of every single one of them.

It was just... Terrible.

The look on their faces was worse than the embarrassment though.

Disgust was the only expression they held.

And to be sincere,

I felt pretty disgusted with myself too.

'Oh... I hope you feel better Bambi.. do you still want to do the interview today? I could come over? I could bring over some cookies too :)'

Shit.

This kid is too god damn sweet.

I'm not used to this stuff.

I got so adapted to the bullying and all the repulsed or amused looks that I'm shocked when something nice happens to me. So shocked that I end up pushing it away, thinking that it's not real at all.

Because how could the kindness be real?- I am a walking, talking, breathing orgasm volcano for christ sake. I'm a joke.

'No.. I'm sorry, I just don't want to get you sick'

I'm just praying he leaves me alone.

God, if he knew what I did he'd be so grossed out with me.

And even after I release, the feeling of relief only lasts about an hour before it starts up again.

I have to live the rest of my life like this, and I'm only seventeen.

I cannot picture myself even ten years from now. Because... I don't even want to live that long.

I keep praying for an accident.

A car crash,

A gun,

A stab.

But nobody knows that.

I mean, it's not like I want to commit suicide or anything.

I just wouldn't really mind if a truck ran me over on accident and I died.

That's not abnormal for someone like me... Right?

_________________________________________________________________

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, update!!! sorry for that last thingy chapter??? it was for my smut, but then wattpad fucked up!! (not surprising though)

i hope you guys dont cry from this x

Much love,

Amber xxx

(P.S: I have entered in the Watty Awards Season 3 for boyxboy! I don't know when she'll put my name on the page, but I have messaged her and I assume she will at some point. If you guys could go vote for me that would be super duper cool! The link will be on my message board and I'll even put it here! xx http://www.wattpad.com/41901446-1d-watty-awards-season-3-%CF%9F-open-boyxboy-vacancy-9 )

BIG THANKS TO ALL MY KITTENS <3