(HARRY'S POV: / before hospital / TRIGGER WARNING, SUICIDE ATTEMPT)
I didn't know what it felt like to be truly lonesome.
Because I had him.
Louis was my anchor in the swirling sea of my life, the sun to my earth, the soul of my heart.
He was.
Was.
But now, everything will change.
I somehow knew deep down that I would end up here, staring at a razor and a bottle of pills. They look so familiar, because I've contemplated it so many times.
I memorized the color, the shape, even the feel of the objects. I need them. This one thing is the last straw. This one tiny misunderstanding will lead to my death.
And why? Because. What good am I if I can't be assertive? If I can't make him listen to me? What good am I to him... Or, to anyone? To myself?
No good. None.
Finally.
- H.
I drop the pen, or more like toss it away from me and jump right into the procedure that has been planned so carefully since the beginning of the week.
Who needs school when you have a terminal disease called depression, right? I'd rather study my suicide.
A bottle of liquor adds into the mix, and I might as well get a little shitfaced before I do anything, right? It'll numb things up a bit.
The razor is cold, but it fits just right between my fingers. I've never cut before in my life. I've thought about it... I'm thinking of it now... But now is the end, and it's too late.
After I can't feel my limbs, due to all the vodka stampeding through my blood, I slice slowly. My palish skin spreads open, revealing a brilliant red that is darkly satisfying to look at.
One drop, two... My kitchen floor is getting red. So red...
Reaching for the bottle of pills, I spill half of them, cussing at myself when an episode interrupts and I weakly fall on my knees.
"It'll never end," I whisper in a whimper to the empty house around me. "Leave me alone."
If only such a disorder could just leave me be... If only.
With trembling fingers I swallow a handful of Lithium, something my doctor prescribed me awhile ago.
Lethal when it comes to over dosing.
Perfect.
My vision is blurred, and then the razor slips in too deep on accident.
On purpose?
Shit.
I start to relax against my will, my sight blurring before it is swallowed up by blackness. My ears ring deeply, until I can't even hear my own thoughts. Is this what dying feels like?
Louis.
Just the thought of him makes me calm. When I think of his long eyelashes, his soft lips, or his honey sweet voice. I think I feel myself going to heaven. My body is weightless.
Everything is.
Until I catch the softest sound of a scream in the back of my mind. Who is that?
It's too late to wonder now, I guess.
_____________________
A/N: Hey guys! Here's the update, it's short and depressing, I know. But I truly mean it when I say I'm extremely busy. I hope you like this, because I plan on having this story finished by at least the end of May. All right? So please, keep reading, I love you so much. The support has been insane for this story, and my mind is blown. The votes on this fanfic are just fucking amazing. You guys fucking rock. Also, 4/6/2015 was my 100 days free from self harm, and I just wanted to let you all know that you were such a huge part of that for me. You don't even know. It's so important to me that I get to write. I have hands and fingers and a fully functioning (sometimes lol) brain. I'm grateful. So beyond it. Others don't have the luxuries like I do, and I intend to take full acknowledgement of them all, and celebrate them. And if you self harm, my advice to you; It looks nice, the blood and it feels good, the pain you inflict on yourself, but picture somebody you love, watching you and not being able to stop you. Think of their heart, think of how much agony it is put through. That loved one (everyone has somebody who cares about them, I don't care who you are, you do) would do fucking anything, ANYTHING, for you. Your beautiful skin, the thing that protects your organs and bones and blood and many other things, is going to be scarred. It doesn't deserve that abuse, baby. Feel like cutting? Put glue all over your hands, wait for it to dry, then peel it off. Draw on yourself. Stick your hands in ice cold water. Call a friend, call a hotline, call a family member, message me on here. Do it. I am here for you no matter what. I love ALL my gorgeous kittens. So once again, thank you so SO much. Xoxo Take care
Much love,
amber <3
Ps. Just bought a 3DS XL and it is so fuckin rad tbh, message me ur friend codes if you have one!!! Play animal crossing with meeeee :)
YOU ARE READING
you put the O in disOrder ➢ (l.s)
Fanfic((warning!: hey everyone! i wrote this when i was like 15-16? and i realized i never put a rating on this story. it's pretty explicit! (i tagged it as mature but i'm going to put in the description that it's 18+ just so it's very clear)) Orgasms...
