Lemme Use You To Love You ~ Halren

(4): Toxic Trust

What makes her think I'd stay? She's not the one, I know it. I admit, she's perfect when it comes to the bedroom. She's down with certain things and let's me know what she wants when she wants it. I love that kind of shit. There's no way in cold hell I'm gonna love her. She reminds me of her. I can't do that to Ashley. I know for a fact if I was to make her mine, I'd treat her like her.

Ashley doesn't deserve that. That's why I leave in the early mornings. If I was to ever wake up, seeing those beautiful eyes fresh out of sleep, I'd lose it. No, they look nothing alike, but I used to wake up to her. After what happened between us, I couldn't wake up with another face. I sigh as I get out of this girl's bed. She sits up, covering her chest.

"Stay with me? Just this once, Lauren," she whispers. I look back at her. Her smooth, slightly tan skin glistening slightly. "I can't," I slip on my shoes before picking my shirt off of the floor. She puts her chin on my shoulder before I can put it on. "Another hour of your time at least?" I shake my head. "Why the hell not?"

I sigh in frustration, "I told you before, Camila. I'm not repeating myself. Especially if you know about her." I get off of the bed, looking for my keys. She stands up, grabbing the oversized shirt she wore a few hours ago. "What happened between you two has nothing to do with me." I chuckle sarcastically, "Only your sister and ex was involved." She points at me, "Half-sister, and her and I broke up way before that." The A/C rickets slightly as she looks into my eyes.

"Ya no puedo màs. Mira, I have to go. I'll see you later, Camz." Just as I start to head downstairs, she leans slightly over the banister. "You can't keep blaming D-," "Don't say her name!" She rolls her eyes, "I let you do what you do for relief. You've done it to me, Ally, Lucy, Vero, this Ashley girl, and I'm sure there are others." I run my hands through my hair, "You all know why. Ashley doesn't." She comes down the steps as my hand hovers over the knob.

"Why not?" I sigh, "If I tell her who she reminds me of...," she gives me a worried expression. She knows why I can't tell her. Camila gives me a hug which I return. She kisses my cheek, "Lolo, don't let her have the satisfaction of controlling you. I saw how vindictive and conniving the bitch was. So what if she was 'family'? What she did was fucked up."

I nod sadly. She breaks the embrace. "Drive safely." I nod once before opening the door and leaving the neighborhood.

****

"So, what now?" My brother, Chris asks, taking a bite of his sandwich. I shrug, "I don't know, Chris. She has this string attached to me. I can't cut it, because if I do, she'd confess her love for me." Chris wipes his mouth free of mustard, "That's fucked up, Ren. You're playing with this girl's heart." I groan, "Don't you think I fucking know that?"

He stands from the table to throw his styrofoam plate away. I decided to come to my brother's house since he's the only one in my family that knows of my actions. He comes back with two beers, offering me one. I decline and he places it on the counter before joining me again.

"She trusts me. She let's me take control of her body in ways I wouldn't be able to with the others. Just like her." Chris exhales sharply, "You're fucking stupid, y'know that?" I look up at him and squint my eyes, "I know that, too, thanks." He opens his beer and takes a sip, "Does she know what you're doing?" I nod. "But not why? That makes no sense, Lauren."

"It does, actually." He shakes his head, "You fuck her whenever you want, were never friends. Fucking a stranger, basically. You told her not to fall in love, which, guess what? She did. You tell someone not to do something, they eventually do it. You stay with her despite her reminding you of her. No damn sense," another sip. He's right; it doesn't make sense. I put my head on the table, "I dunno, Chris." All that was heard was the faintness of the TV in the living room.

"Lauren, you can't keep doing this to these girls. You're fucking with their insecurities, alright? God knows what these girls went through." I scoff, "Yeah. Camila, Ally, Vero, and Lucy went through so much hell," I laugh sarcastically. Chris's mouth hangs open, "You fucked all of them?!" I shrug.

He takes off his cap and runs his hand through his hair, "As your brother and 'cause I love you, you're fucking dumb." I roll my eyes, "Yeah, no shit! You already told me that." I slump in my seat with my arms crossed. "No, I'm not finished. You're fucking dumb and this is gonna hit you hard. What D-," I slam my fist on the table, "Don't, just don't!" He stands up, "Estás jodido. Antes de que sepas, te enamorarás de uno de ellos." You're fucked up. Before you know it, you'll fall for one of them.

I stand up, too. I push him back, but he barely moves. "No, no lo haré!" He shakes his head. No, I won't. He takes his now empty can from the table and looks down at me. "This is your fucking mess. Clean it," he starts to walk away before turning to me. "You know your way out." He goes to the back of his apartment, leaving me to my thoughts. I sigh and walk out his front door.

The walk to my car was slow. Slower than I imagined it to be. I literally parked right in front of his complex. I run my hand through my hair for what felt like the a hundredth time today. I got into my car, slamming the door behind me. I put my head on the steering wheel. Chris is right. My little brother's always right. Both he and my sister, Taylor, always reminded me of who I am.

Who I was before her. Saddest thing about it is that I'm still uncontrollably and intensely in love with her. I hate that she has this effect on me. I FUCKING HATE IT!!! I slam my hands on the wheel, screaming. I cannot let her do this while she's not even here. My breathing is heavy as hell. I look at myself in the rearview mirror, fixing my hair.

Sigh.

No one else to vent this to. No one to actually understand where I'm coming from. I bite on my lip before thinking something fucking crazy. I start the car up, turning the radio on to block my thoughts.

Can't believe I'm fucking doing this.