The Worst Year Ever

Funeral

Thursday, July 5th, 2012

Funeral

Is this nightmare ever going to end?

Yesterday was the awake and now today is the funeral. First, we are all going to gather at a depressing funeral home and talk about depressing stories about Skylar and share our depressing thoughts and be all depressing together. I can't exactly say that I'm looking forward to it. Mom and I just arrived at the funeral home.

Mom's breathing is uneven, and I can tell that she is trying very hard not to start crying again but sometimes trying just isn't good enough, I realize, as tears start flowing down Mom's face. She wipes them away before turning away from me and getting out of the car and walking into the funeral home without a word to me.

The thing about me is that I don't know if I'm more angry or upset. Also, I don't know if I'm more angry and upset at God for allowing this to happen or Skylar for getting herself into a dangerous situation and dying or at myself for practically pushing her out the door.

I try not to think again about that terrible fight that Skylar and I got into right before she died and I get out of the car and follow Mom into the funeral home.

We had already managed to set everything up by the time people started to arrive. There is a TV playing a slideshow of pictures of Skylar and there are multiple posters of pictures of Skylar growing up with pictures of just her and her and me and her and Mom and also her and Ashley and the four of us, Skylar, Ashley, Elena, and me, it even shows pictures of Skylar and David. I try very hard not to look at these because it hurts too much.

I have to stand with Mom and shake everyone's hand as they arrive. I don't smile at everyone and I don't return any of their hugs. I'm not even trying to smile. Why bother looking happy when something this tragic just occurred?

People give their apologies and condolences but I don't respond to them. It seemed like people were never going to stop arriving. People at school whom I only knew by sight were showing up too. They were people who I knew Skylar never hung out with and didn't really know, so I kind of wondered why they were here. Did they genuinely like Skylar and want to pay their respects or did they come to laugh and dance on her grave? If they came to laugh and dance on her grave, I don't think I would be able to stop myself from strangling a few of these kids.

The funeral is about to start as everyone takes their seats. I am sitting in the front row with Mom, Grandma, Elena, Ashley, and David. It doesn't surprise that my father didn't show up; he never really cared about us. He was an abusive and bitter drunk. If he did show up, he probably would have been the one of the ones to spit on Skylar's grave.

A church pastor says reads something sad and holy from the bible and then the next thing to happen is someone close to Skylar is supposed to get up to speak at the podium to everyone. I don't even pay attention to Mom as she stands up because I'm too busy watching the Skylar slideshow. They mainly contain more recent pictures and a few little and baby pictures but on every slide, the dates read the same 11/26/1995-7/1/2012.

Mom is standing at the podium now, and she has to take a moment to gather herself before she can start speaking. When she does start talking, she speaks in a very shaky voice. "My daughter, Skylar Ward Payne was a very wonderful person." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before continuing. "She was always there for someone whenever they needed her. She would never let anyone down." Tears start pouring down Mom's face at this point and I try very hard not to look at her sadness. "She was very kind and courteous. Skylar would have ended to doing great things in the world had she lived older than sixteen." Mom bows her head, so overcome with tears and her own agony at the loss of her daughter. It is a few minutes before Mom composes herself enough to say, "Skylar may be gone but she will never be forgotten." She stands down and places her hand over her mouth as she continues to cry her eyes out. She walks back to her seat and sits down next to my grandma and puts her face in her hands and her back is shaking with her sobs and my grandma is crying too as she places her hand on Mom's shaking back to comfort her.