The Worst Year Ever

Empty

Monday, July 30th, 2012

Empty

My ceiling is white. Has it always been white? When did I get these bed covers? Have they always been black with white circles on them? Has my bed always been this big? And what about my closet... has it always been a walk-in? Have I always had so many clothes?

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache. I can't remember what I dreamt about, but if I had to guess, it was probably Skylar, of course. I feel like I can't remember anything; any tiny details at least. All of the things that never seemed important before, I am now noticing. For example, has my ceiling always been white? I feel like that's new, but I know it's not. I can't remember anything from before... the thing. I can't remember ever even looking at my ceiling before, and now, suddenly, it's white.

I feel like life never existed before Skylar's accident. Have I really lived seventeen years before that accident? Have I ever really lived at all? What have I done for the past seventeen years? Because, suddenly, I can't remember. 

I need to do something, anything, to get me to stop thinking about this. I think about Elena's gift that's still under my bed. I could wrap that. It wouldn't take me long, but at least it will keep me occupied at least for a little bit. 

I crawl out of my bed and walk what seems to be a long distance out of my room and down the stairs. Has there always been so many frickin stairs in this house? I can't remember. 

I turn the corner and pass through the living room to make it to the kitchen and again, I can't help thinking about how long of a distance it seems. Has this house always been so damn big? I can't remember.

I grab the scissors and the tape in a drawer in the kitchen and I run them back to my room. I feel like I've just ran a mile by the time I am able to throw them on my bed. Next, I have to get the birthday wrapping paper from the attic. 

One of the things Skylar and I thought was really cool when we moved into this house a few years ago was where the attic was located. We don't have another door upstairs that leads to more stairs to the attic, our attic door actually leads off from the staircase. There's a mini door there with a ledge sticking out of the wall, so what we would have to do would be to climb to abolut the fourth step from the top and step onto the ledge, open the attic door, grab onto the doorframe and attempt to swing ourselves into the attic without horribly maiming ourselves. Skylar and I always thought this landmark our house has was very unusual and we loved it. 

So, once I successfully swung myself into the attic, I quickly scanned the attic. One thing I do remember about the attic is that is was really small. It was about twice the size of Skylar's room, who had the biggest room in the house, but suddenly, the attic seems huge. Everything seems a lot bigger to me today for some reason. 

I look to my right and I see the holiday bin. It's the bin that we keep all the christmas decorations and wrapping paper in, which includes the birthday wrapping paper. I grab a roll of wrapping paper and carefully exit the attic and run back to my room. 

I take out Elena's crappy birthday gift from under my bed. Of course I've realized that giving your best friend make-up for her birthday is such a gerneric gift and I could do so much better, and I should, but I've decided that I don't care. Elena and Ashley are probably going to be a downer tomorrow anyways, like they have been. I'm just going to have to do my best to make sure that they are not. It's Elena's eighteenth birthday and she's going to have a good time if I have anything to do about it. 

I wrapped Elena's present, very badly I might add, seeing as I've never been good at wrapping presents. I usually leave that to Mom. She can wrap like a pro, but I figured that I shouldn't bother her, besides, I don't want to be around her tears anyways. 

I place the wrapped present under my bed where it was before to ensure that it is out of my way until tomorrow. I run the tape and scissors back downstairs and I am glad that I have not run into Mom yet today. I didn't see her on the living room couch, so I'm just assuming that she's moping in her bedroom today. I am grateful for that. 

When I am putting the birthday wrapping paper back in the attic, I lost my footing and almost fell off the ledge when I was trying to swing myself into the attic. My heart rate accelerated by a mile and it was like my life flashed before my eyes. In that moment, I couldn't help but think that that must have been exactly how Skylar felt when she saw those headlights coming right for her.... I stopped that thought, though, when I saw where it was headed. I don't need to be thinking about that today... or any day.

I look down at the stairs before I leave the attic, and I think about how I lost my footing when I tried coming in here. I wonder if I really did fall if I would have been seriously injured, or possibly even die.... I stop that thought in its tracks too, because if I start thinking those thoughts, it's all over. And besides, I can't leave Mom. She's already enough of a wreck after losing one daughter, she doesn't need to lose another one. With this in my mind, I'm extra careful leaving the attic, and I make it back to my bedroom safely. 

Now that I'm here, though, I don't know what to do. It's only mid-afternoon and I have the whole day to try to occupy myself. I can't wait till school starts, that way I will have something to occupy myself all day. 

I take a seat on my bed and stare at my doorway. I remember all the times when Skylar was alive and she would walk in just to say hi, or to see what I'm doing, or to see if I wanted to do something or go somewhere with her. I even remember that one time when she walked in in tears because she and Ashley were in a fight and she was afraid that Ashley was going to pull the trigger and call off their friendship. I remember the one time when Skylar came into my room fuming with anger bacause David said something or did something that made her mad. Whatever he did was so stupid that I forgot what it even was. At the time, I even told Skylar that it was really stupid and not worth to get angry about. She probably would have broken up with him over it if I didn't step in. 

I'm thinking so hard about all those times I've seen Skylar walk through that doorway that for a moment, I thought I actually saw Skylar appear in the doorway. I felt my spirits lift, just to have them come crashing back down when I realize I'm just paranoid and I imagined it. 

Throughout the rest of the day, I do a variety of things to keep me from thinking about Skylar. I have thrown a tennis ball against the wall while I catch it as it comes back; I sorted through all my clothes and got rid of quite a few that I decided I don't want; I also played one of my Grand Theft Auto games, and I killed everyone I saw, but that was mainly to let out some of my anger and frustration that I was still holding in. It didn't really help.

When I finally lay down in my bed for the night, I make the mistake of thinking again. I think about how big my bed is again, and i think about how big my room and closet is. I also think about all the things I've thought about before. I think about how big the house suddenly feels. And as I think of these things, I think of something else. Well, it's more of a realization. The house and everything in it suddenly feels bigger because there's one less person living in here. 

I remember seeing Skylar being a couch potato on beautiful summer days and I remember her scurrying around in the kitchen to make herself macaroni and cheese. I remember her locking herself in the bathroom taking long showers until the hot water runs out. I remember her staying in her room with the door closed while she blasts her music and dances like a crazy person. I remember her sitting on the edge of my bed to talk about me about her problem of the week. I remember the times when she would come back from having a movie day at David's house and she would ask to sleep with me because she was afraid Freddy Krueger would jump out of her closet and claw her eyes out. I remember that whenever we would have sleepovers in each ohter's rooms, she would ask me to move over so she could have more room and she would steal all the blankets. I also remember her kicking me in her sleep. She always did that, she couldn't seem to help it.

These rooms and halls and my bed all suddenly feel too big because Skylar is not here. We're one person short. This house just feels... empty.