The Worst Year Ever

Freedom

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

Freedom

I open my eyes to yet another day in what seems like hell, because that is seriously what it is starting to feel like now. I feel like I'm living in a world without my sister now, which I kind of was before but at least I was able to talk to her and see her and everything. Did it really matter if she was a mere spirit? 

(God, I really do sound crazy.)

I haven't seen Skylar in days. It's not like her to be gone this long and I just wish I knew where she was or what she was doing and when or if she is ever going to come back. She promised me that she would always be here when she needed me and that all I needed to do was call, and I did, and did she show up? I don't think so.

I really hope she's not like those people who know that they are going to die and they tell their loved ones that they will always be with them because they will always be in their hearts because that is utter bull crap to me right now.

I used to believe in things like that. I used to believe that you're loved one never really leaves you and that they will always be with you; they will always be in your heart; they will always be watching over you to make sure no harm comes to you, but now that I'm put in this situation... I really don't like it one bit. Screw the thought of Skylar always being in my heart. That's just not good enough. I need her here whether she likes it or not. I know Heaven is supposed to be a better place for the deceased and everthing but I don't like the thought of Skylar being there. Skylar should be here. 

I close my eyes to attempt to shut out the world that causes me so much pain and longing. And I can't help but wish I will never open my eyes again. I just wish one of these nights, I will fall asleep and not wake up. At least, then I'll be able to be with Skylar. 

She was my rock. She kept me from collapsing and caving in so many times. I would probably be dead right now if it wasn't for Skylar. Who is going to pull me away from the edge now? Who is going to catch me if I fall like I did once? Who's going to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and put them back together like she used to? Who's going to keep me from falling apart? Who's going to save my life now? 

I squeeze my eyes closed trying to shut out the pain that is spreading in my heart and throughout my entire body. I'm squeezing my eyes closed so tight that I feel like my eyeslids are going to peel off from the tremendous pressure. I can feel the pain spreading up my arms and now my shoulders. I can feel the pain in my head, filling my brain like poison. Filling my brain with terrible thoughts that I wished I never had to think of again. 

I used to have a wish long ago. I had a wish to leave this place. And I don't mean this home, I mean this planet... this life. I had a wish to depart this life, never to return. I had a dream like that once, too, long ago. I had a dream wheere I was sleeping and when I woke up, everything was so bright that it blinded me for a moment. I blinked a few times in the dream to make it easier for my eyes to adjust to the light. I was lying down on the gound and when I looked down at myself, I saw that my clothes were changed. I was wearing a stunning white dress that reached all the way down to my feet when I stood up. I looked around, in my dream, and everything was white. I saw a crowd of people in front of me. They were all just talking casually, none of them really taking any notice of me. None of seemed even remotely alarmed that some strange teen girl just appeared on the ground at their feet. I was going to say something to them but I wasn't sure what. 

I looked around me and I saw even more people, all dressed in white. All of the women were wearing the same blindingly white dresses that I was. I turned around again, and I saw the same crowd of people still chatting away, but then I saw movement. There was a person seeming to attempt to make his or her way through the crowd.

"Excuse me, excuse me," I heard that deep male voice say. I recognized that voice, even though I haven't heard it in a year and a half. He was pushing his way through the people, trying to make his way to me. When he finally made it through, he stood there in front of me, and I was in shock at what I was seeing. At first, I didn't believe it.

"They told me you were here," he said, while looking very sad about it. "I was really hoping they were wrong, but I can see now that they weren't. I'm very sorry that you're here."

I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion. Shouldn't people you know be happy to see you? But then I understood. The boy that stands in front of me is none other than my childhood best friend, the boy that I grew up with, Collin. The shock fills my whole body and makes the tips of my toes and fingers tingle. I can't believe I was really seeing him and talking to him again. This boy died in a terrible car crash a year and a half ago.

"Sorry?" I ask, confused.

"You shouldn't be here," he says. "It means something terrible happened to you, and that's why you are here."

"I died," I said, not stating it like a question because I knew somewhere in my brain from the moment I started to wake up that I had died somehow. The feeling I had when I woke up was too great to ignore, but my confusion and ignorance kind of took precedence at that moment, but now that I'm thinking clearly, the wonderful feeling fills me again. It is a beyond wonderful feeling and at first I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I feel elated, like I'm on top of the world (which, in a way, I am), and I feel like nothing at all can ever hurt me again. I feel free. 

I woke up after that thought. I remember being so disappointed when I woke up. That free feeling was so immensely wonderful that I had tried to make it a real thing. Skylar saved my life. She saved me from myself.

And now, if I try to make another desperate attempt at freedom, who's going to stop me then now that Skylar is gone? Who's going to save me from myself?