The Worst Year Ever

Reading

Thursday, July19th, 2012

Reading

I wake up this morning with a pounding headache. I rub my temples in an attempt to calm it down, but it doesn't seem to work in the slightest.

I don't know what could have caused this splitting headache. I did have a horrible dream last night, however. I dreamt that Skylar had died, but she didn't return and I had lost her fully and completely but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was how she died. In my dream, she didn't die in a car crash but she was murdered. I didn't get a clear view of the murderer, I just knew somehow that the murderer was someone I knew.

I feel like I've been thinking too much about everything in general, but especially about Skylar and I just need a break. I am going to try my best to not think, or over-think about anything, and just rest for the day. On this note, I smile to myself at the idea of relaxing for the day.

I don't want to think about Skylar and I don't want to see her or talk to her because that will just get me to think. I don't want to think about Ashley. I don't want to think about Elena. I don't want to think about Mom or David or anyone else. I don't wan to think about Skylar's death. I don't want to think about Skylar's death, or any type of "unfinished business" she might have. I just don't want to think. I just want to pretend like I have no problems in my life for the day.

So, I decide to do what I normally did when Skylar was hanging out with David or Ashley and Elena was busy. I went over to my book shelf and grabbed all seven of the Harry Potter books and brought them with me to my bed and started reading the first book.

I don't know how long I sat there and just read. I just know it must have been hours. It must have been at least four hours now, I know that for a fact. I just finished the first Harry Potter book, and I once timed myself to see how long it would take me to read it, and I took me exactly four hours. I set down that book and pick up the next one. Nothing happened until I was about halfway through this book.

I was sitting in the middle of my bed with the other six books scattered around me and I was holding the second book up in front of my face. The only reason I lowered the book was because I felt someone watching me, and when the book lowered just enough for my eyes to see over the top of it, I see Skylar standing in my doorway with a mocking smile on her face.

"You are such a dork," she says, and I respond by raising the book slightly so that it was back in its original position. "Seriously, how many times have you read that series? Ten?" She laughs.

"No," I say in monotone.

"Eleven?" she prods.

"Sixteen," I say and she bursts out laughing. "Oh, Helen, some things just never change. Once a dork, always a dork."

I don't respond to her again.

I hear her getting closer to me and I can feel that she just sat on the end of the bed, but I don't stop reading and I try my best to ignore her.

Skylar sucks in a deep breath and then lets it out: a sure sign that she is bored. I can feel her blue eyes on me again, but I don't lower my book this time.

"Helen," Skylar draws out, evidently bored out of her mind.

I am unresponsive once again.

"Helen, I'm bored," Skylar states bluntly.

"Yeah?" is all I say.

"Yeah, we should do something," Skylar suggests.

"There's not much we can do," I point out, barely paying Skylar any attention.

Skylar sighs. "Well, can you put the book down and we can talk or something?"

I lower the book enough to see over the top of it again. "Don't you know me at all? Never tell me to put a book down." I raise the book again and continue reading.

Skylar sighs again. "I'm just bored."

I put the book down in frustration this time. "Skylar, what do you want me to do? We can't go out because other people can't see you so it would look weird for me. We can't even really do anything. We can't go hang out with our friends because they, like everyone else, think you're dead, which you are. We can't even play patty cake because my hands would go right through yours."

Skylar opens her mouth as if she is going to say something, but I cut her off. "No, Skylar, just listen. This is really getting to be a burden on me, and I woke up this morning with a terrible headache, and I just wanted to relax today, okay? I will continue helping you with your "unfinished business" and whatnot, but for today, I really just wanted to sit here and read all day like I used to, okay?" I pick up my book again and put it in front of my face like it was before so that I didn't have to look at her.

"Okay," Skylar says, her voice breaking as if it's about to cry.

Whenever Skylar was alive, I absolutely hated to see her or hear her cry. Even if we had just gotten into a fight and she said some mean things and I said some mean things, and we walked away from each other angry. If I saw or heard her crying, it would act like a stimulant on me. I would drop whatever I was doing and go to see Skylar and talk to her and comfort her, which is why I feel horrible for making her even sound like she was going to cry.

I sigh in defeat and put down my book, ready to comfort her and apologize and make her feel better. "Skylar--" I start saying, but I stop upon realizing that she's gone.