The Worst Year Ever

Normal

Friday, July 20th, 2012

Normal

Why can't my life be normal?

I've always felt like my life wasn't normal like it should be. I understand that everyone's personality and personal life and life in general differs from everyone's but for me, it seemed like my life goes way beyond the boundaries dividing normal and "out there."

I guess I'll admit that my life didn't always used to be so "out there." I used to deal with kid issues and then real teen issues, but now, my life is definitely far from normal. My sister died but she didn't go to heaven but stayed here and I am the only one who can see and talk to her. Despite this though, I have to help her figure out why she died and whatever her unfinished business is because, upon dying, if you stay on earth you usually know what your unfinished business is, but that's not even the case. Normal would mean my deceased sister would know why she remains on the earth, just like any normal deceased being, but that even steps over the invisible boundary line for normalcy.

No normal person with a normal life has to go through anything like this. I don't know one of or know one single person who has ever been something even remotely close to what I'm going through. The most I've ever heard about someone going through something like this is in abnormal books I've read. See, even the books I've read that is close to my situation is abnormal.

Yes, that's what this is: a situation. Most normal people would be ecstatic to be able to see and talk to someone they know that died, but not me. I am happy that I get to see and talk to Skylar, if she didn't come back to earth then I'd be dead right now too. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.

I've thought about this particular question countless times, but I've come up with nothing every time. The closest I get to answering this question is just thinking about it numerous times and in different ways. My life is starting to feel like a giant question mark. My life is starting to feel like nothing but a huge situation.

I desperately wish I could answer that why question, but I can't. Every time I think about it and think about somewhat relevant answers in my mind, if I dare say the answers out loud, they seem far-fetched and ludicrous. Which is only natural, really. It's a far-fetched and ludicrous question so it calls for a far-fetched and ludicrous answer.

I'm desperate for answers but I don't think I'll be getting them any time soon. Especially not if Skylar chickens out because she's scared of the answers. I can't secure the answers to these questions unless Skylar cooperates and I don't know how that's going to happen. I know that Skylar wants the answers too, but her fear overpowers everything else. She needs to get over these fears if we're going to figure this out. She says that she's prepared for the answers and to figure this all out, but how is that reassuring for me? She says those things but how do I know she really means them.?

I would try to talk to Skylar about all this, but it's already mid-afternoon and I haven't seen her at all today. I don't know where she is. She might be spying on David or Ashley or Elena, I just don't know. All I know is that she hasn't come here all day. I think she might have gotten the hint that I'm just stressed out and frustrated and I don't really want to see her right now because seeing her is a reminder of this burden. Every time I see my deceased sister, it reminds me that she's deceased and I can never hug her like I used to and we will probably never again have a normal conversation. Being reminded of this makes me feel sad and upset and it makes me wish that I was the one driving that car on that rainy day on July 1st.

If the situation was switched around, I wonder how Skylar would feel. Would she get sick of it like I am? Would she wish things could just go back to normal? Probably. I can't see her being happy with this burden. Would Skylar have attempted to end her life to join me like I was going to do? Would I have saved her like she did for me? Of course. I wouldn't let Skylar throw her life away like I was going to do, just like she did for me. Upon hearing the news of my mission, would Skylar help me like I'm helping her? Would she get sick of it? Would she wish I would just go away sometimes like I wish for her? Would she wish that she was the one driving instead of me, if things were turned around? I don't know. I'll never know because even if I ask Skylar, we can't know unless we were actually put into the situation, and, unfortunately, Skylar was the one driving that car a few weeks ago, and I was the one who told her not to come back home, and she was the one who died upon the impact, and I was the one who had a break down. She's the one who is dead and has the unfinished business mission and trying to understand, while I'm stuck trying to help her and it's going to stay that way for as long as it takes us to figure all this out and to secure the answers to our millions of questions.

Hours pass and it is now late in the evening, and there has still been no sign of Skylar. I'm aware that I can call her and she will come whether she wants to or not but I don't want to force her to come here if she's watching David or Ashley or Elena. She is probably watching them wishing she could reach out to them and touch them and talk to them, but she can't. I don't want to call her right now because I still feel too stressed out and I still don't really want to talk to her right now. I don't want to heave to deal with the "deceased sister" problem right now. Upon thinking this very thought, it brings me back to the question:

Why can't my life just be normal?