The Worst Year Ever

Questions

Tuesday, July 10th, 2012

Questions

I haven't talked to Mom since yesterday. I haven't seen her either. Of course, I haven't really left my room much, but I would rather prefer not seeing Mom at all. Every time I do see her, her tears and depression always brings me down, and I really don't want that.

I've still been trying to make sense of why Skylar asked to keep a lookout for her. Does she actually think that I would be able to see something that she couldn't? I'm alive and I can't turn invisible and listen to other people's conversations like she can, so what am I supposed to do? What kind of information should I be able to get that she couldn't? I would ask her all these questions myself but I don't even think she knows. She seems just as confused and slightly sick of this as I am.

Thinking about Skylar is almost painful these days. I mean, yeah I can still see her and talk to her, but it's not the same like it was before she got into that accident. I can't walk down the hall anymore and see her sitting there on her bed on her I-Pod or her laptop, and I will no longer walk into her room and see her in a training bra and yoga pants, trying out some exercise routine that she found on the internet. Nothing around here will ever be the same anymore, and I am going to miss it a lot.

At least I will be able to see Skylar pretty much whenever I wanted, but that's not even the same like it was before. She can't stay longer than like ten to twenty minutes because it's hard for her to maintain a solid and visible form in the physical world. I can talk to her but we always talk about how she died and her unfinished business and things like that and I can say that we definitely never talked about that before she died, but things are all different now.

Skylar is dead now. She died a week and a half ago, and since then, things will never be the same. I can't walk down the hall whenever something bad happens and I just want the comfort of my sister, and I just want to vent to her. I miss the way things were so much that I start crying right now because I'm just thinking about it.

I can't even hug my sister because I'll just end up walking right through her. The tears are flowing freely down my cheeks, as I hear, "What are you doing?"

I look to my right and I see Skylar there and I hurriedly try wiping away my tears. "Nothing," I respond.

"I knew that you were upset. I knew that you needed me, and you just decided not to call me," Skylar explains.

"And how did you know that?" I ask her.

"I just felt it," Skylar says while placing her right hand over the place where her heart is. Well, her heart would be there and beating if she even still had a beating heart, but she doesn't. This thought makes a few more tears escape and there is not stopping them.

"What's wrong, Helen?" she asks me.

I wipe away my tears again and take a deep breath, ready to vent to her like I used to. "It's just not the same."

She doesn't even ask what I mean by that. I'm guessing she understood what I meant without even having to ask. "No, I'm sorry, but it will never be the same, Helen."

I look away from her. I'm finding it hard to look at her right now. I can't look at her, knowing that she's dead and this is only her spirit I'm talking to.

"Just think about it like this," Skylar says, "Would you rather I die and then go up to heaven and stay there, or would you rather it be like it is right now. I'm still here just not physically. You're talking to me and I'm talking back. Shouldn't that be enough for now?"

"It should, but it's not," I tell her. "I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I wish you never died and I'm really talking to you and not just your spirit. I wish you were really here and Elena and Ashley were over right now and we were ordering pizza and talking about everything like we used to. I wish you were still here talking about how David is so great and sweet and how much you love him, even though that always used to annoy me because I didn't have a boyfriend and it made me jealous, but I miss it anyways."

"I know," is all Skylar says. "I wish I could take it all back. I wish I never died either, but no matter how much we want to, we can't change what happened."

"Why did this have to happen, is what I don't understand," I say, on the verge of desperation for some answers. "What did you ever do? You were a good girl, for the most part anyways, and you didn't deserve to die but you did. Why?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out," Skylar says, sadly.

"And what happens when we do figure that out?" I ask her. "What happens when we find out the reasoning behind your death, and you find out what your unfinished business is supposed to be, and then you finish it. What happens then?"

"I guess I'll just go back to heaven and stay there this time," Skylar says, sadly, and I can't help but cry some more at this thought. I knew that was what was going to happen, but I just didn't want to think about it. Skylar and I continue to sit there together while I cry silently and she sits there with me until she is forced to disappear again because she can't hold her visible form anymore. When she's gone, I cry some more because, in the end, I know that she's going to have to disappear for good.