The Worst Year Ever

Panic

Friday, July 27th, 2012

Panic

It's been days since Skylar has showed up around here. I still have no idea why. 

I never really thought of being able to see and talk to Skylar as a privilege. It always seemed more of a punishment to me. I was able to see and talk to my deceased sister all I wanted but I was never appreciative. I never realized that it was honestly a privilege to be the only one who was able to see and talk to her. Everyone else I know would have killed for that opportunity but I just took advantage of it. Maybe I'm just not allowed to have any contact with her anymore because I was never grateful. Hell, I spent the last few days I was able to see her being angry at her. Maybe she is still here on this earth, I just lost all privilege to see her. Maybe now I'm just like everyone else. Maybe Skylar is still here, possibly in this very room--I just can't see her.

I've tried so many different methods to not think about Skylar, because then it just hurts. I've tried simple things like watching TV or reading a book, but they never work--well, not completely anyway. In those times, all thoughts of Skylar are pushed to the back of my mind, but they always seem to make their way back to the front of my mind.

I wonder if it was like this before; where I couldn't think about anything besides Skylar. I doubt it but when I try to remember a time before Skylar--passed--I come up with nothing. It's like my life started--and ended when Skylar died. 

I sit up in my bed and rub my temples where there is a headache forming. It only gets more painful the more I think about Skylar. I place my head in my hands, trying to calm down. I look up and see my plain white walls, staring at me; laughing at me. My heart starts beating faster. I clutch my shirt where my heart is, trying to calm my heart rate too but that doesn't seem to work. 

I close my eyes tightly, trying to block everything out but I can't ignore the laughing I hear in my head. It's hundreds of people just laughing at me having a frickin panic attack right now. 

When I open my eyes, it almost looks like the walls are closing in on me, but that's impossible, right?

My headache starts to slowly go away but my heart doesn't slow at all. On the contrary, it seems to be beating even harder against my chest. 

I'm thinking too much about Skylar again. I'm thinking too much about the good times. I'm thinkng about how close we were and everything we went through together. She was the one person I could tell anything to and know that I wouldn't be judged or laughed at. She was my sister--my best friend. We were closer than two sisters could possibly be. I feel lost without her here with me, whether spirit or not.

I feel my mind start to freak out. The walls are closing in, and my eyes are going crazy, taking in every square inch of my room and my boring white walls. I feel like my mind is freaking out so much that I can't think straight. I can't put two and two together. I can't seem to separate my thoughts. I can't tell which is which. It's like my mind is confusing the memories and thoughts and trying to mash them all together into one. 

Tears build up behind my eyes and surely cascade down my face. The only thing I can think of doing is moving. I can't stay here in this room, or even this house. There are too many memories of Skylar here. 

I throw my bed covers off of me and swing my legs off the side of the bed. My feet touch the floor and as soon as I put weight on my feet, it's like they lost all feeling and strength in them and I collapse on the ground. I stay there, because I can't seem to move.

I don't know how long I lie there for, only that it's been hours. I was not able to move at all. I lie, sprawled on my bedroom floor with the tears falling silently down my face. I make no attempt to stop them. Crying is inevitable at this point. I couldn't stop the tears even if I tried.

The walls seem to be staying in their place right now, so that must count for something. My headache is gone, too. 

I remember that I used to have panic attacks all the time just like that. Then, the doctor prescribed me some pills to help my depression and anxiety and it wasn't so bad anymore, until I, um, misused the pills and everyone thought it was in my best interest to not have those pills anymore. It's not like it mattered anyways because I stopped having panic attacks shortly after that. I haven't had a panic attack in two years. I almost forgot what they felt like.

The feeling seems to come back into my legs and I know I am able to move now if I wanted but I still lie there, unmoving. I don't feel the need to move right now. What would I do if I did? That's right, nothing. So I might as well just lie here. 

The whole time I'm lying here, there is only one thing I am thinking about: the last words I ever said to Skylar. We had gotten into a fight and I told her to leave and never come back. Well, she didn't. I didn't want her to take me seriously. She was supposed to come back when she was done doing whatever she was going to do. Maybe if I never told her to never come back, she would have come back. I guess I will never know now.

I also can't help but thinking that I made a pretty loud bang when I collapsed on my floor and my room is right above my mom's room, and it's hard to believe that she didn't hear the commotion and she never came up to check on me and make sure I was alright. That fact makes me realize that if I'm not careful, I might lose Mom too.