The Worst Year Ever

Walls

Monday, July 16th, 2012

Walls

I seriously can't believe Ashley. Why would she say those things if she really has no idea about anything? I'm not even sure if she was just messing with me, but then again, I'm not even sure that she could have information that is that accurate if she really doesn't know anything. I know that she  can't know anything because when Ashley looked up at Skylar, she disappeared, which means that Ashley can't see her and I really am the only one who can.

These same thoughts have been running through my head ever since yesterday after my talk with Ashley. I was really starting to think that Ashley could help us, and that she knew something but she was just fooling us. I don't understand what she gets out of playing us like that. And if she did that, does Elena know anything? Does she know that Ashley did that just to mess with me? It really sucks because I was really starting to think that Ashley would be able to help Skylar and I with figuring out why Skylar died and what her unfinished business is, but I guess not because even if I wanted to tell Ashley everything for some reason, I know that I can't because Ashley just proved herself untrustworthy.

I wish I could tell someone else about this because this secret is too big for just one person to keep to themselves, but I can't because I don't want to be called crazy. I feel like I need help with this, but there is no one to help. Everyone believe Skylar to be dead and if I tell anyone otherwise, it won't be long until I am living in my very own padded cell in a straightjacket. This secret is already making people think I'm crazy because everyone else is upset and crying their frickin eyes out and I'm just sitting there and watching them, not reacting at all. I am the one that just sits there and tells everyone that Skylar is still with us in spirit and wouldn't want us to be upset and depressed and crying all the time like they are. I'm not sure if people think I'm brave for staying so strong or if people think I'm just heartless and never cared about my sister at all so I don't feel the need to cry, and I'm sure some people just think I'm insane and think that Skylar is still alive. I may have gotten mostly off my tracks, but everyone else still looks at me strange every time we come into contact. And then, every time this happens, I just want to tell them, I'm sorry I'm not sniffling all over myself like you guys are.

It's already past five in the evening and I haven't seen Skylar at all today. I wonder if she's just busy doing other things or if she's just avoiding me for some reason. I wonder what that reason could be. I haven't not seen Skylar for a whole day since I first seen her at her funeral.

I almost feel like she is avoiding me, but I just wish I knew why. Did I do something? Did I say something, anything, that made her upset with me and made her not want to see me?

I sit and wait for a few more hours for Skylar to come but she never does. I suddenly start to feel scared. Skylar wouldn't just not show up for one day. She at least shows up for a few minutes even if it's just to update me on her progress, even if her progress is nothing and she's getting nowhere like she has been. I pick up my phone, ready to call her when I remember that I can't. Skylar may be still with me in some weird spirit form but she still is dead and you can't call a dead person. Besides, even if you could call a dead person, her phone was wrecked in the car accident.

My fear envelopes me. What if this is it? What if Skylar isn't going to come back? What if I wake up in the morning and see that Skylar didn't show up because she really is dead and I haven't really been seeing and talking to her like I thought I was? What if I wake up and realize that I really have been crazy for the past two weeks?

I am suddenly consciously aware of my heart beating hard and fast in my chest. I place my hand over my chest, wishing it would slow and calm down, but it refuses. I can feel my heart beat in every part of my body. I can feel it in my head, my hands, my arms and legs, and my feet, and even my ankles. Suddenly, I look around and I see the walls closing in on me. The four walls of my bedroom are seriously moving closer in on me. This isn't even a hallucination, I know the difference between a hallucination and the real thing. I close my eyes tightly, thinking to myself that this isn't real and I'm just imagining all of this but when I open my eyes, I not only see the walls still closing in on me, but my room is completely bare. Pictures I've decorated my plain white walls with are gone and so are my dresser and TV and my bean bag chair and X-Box 360. I even find myself sitting on my floor because my bed is gone.

I stand up and run to the wall on my left and try to push it away from me, hoping it will snap back into its place, but it doesn't. The walls seem to insist upon closing in on my until they eventually crush me to death. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to push again this wall with all my might, until I give up and get another idea in my head. I open my eyes, ready to bolt from my room, but my door is gone.

I start hyperventilating now. The walls aren't stopping. They are slowing moving towards me, and I look all around me, hoping to get an idea of how to get myself out of this, but I come up with nothing. I look around and I see Skylar standing there, just watching me and looking resolutely calm.

"Skylar!" I exclaim. "Skylar, please you have to help me!"

Skylar just stands there as the walls get close enough so that they are only an inch away from me. Skylar doesn't say anything or make any move towards me to help me. I know that she's not panicking being in this room with me because she's already dead and being crushed by these walls won't do anything to her.

I move so that I'm on my side, trying to give myself more room to breathe, because the walls are now so close to me that I can feel that I am merely an inch from death. I hold out my hand for Skylar to grab, "Skylar, help me, please." I don't say it like I did before, in exasperation and desperation. I say it in a helpless tone, because no matter what I say or do at this point, I don't think Skylar is going to try to help me at all. She looks at my outstretched hand before shaking her head and says, "Don't you want to spend the rest of eternity with me, Helen?" and then she disappears into thin air like I've seen her do so many times.

That was my last hope of being saved from this predicament. I'm stuck here and the walls are squeezing me, and I suck in my stomach as if this will make me any skinnier or smaller, but it does nothing but make me feel even more short of breath. Well, I guess this is it. I am going to die, right here, right now. What a strange way to die, being crushed to death by murderous bedroom walls. I can practically taste death on my tongue as my breath is literally taken away from me.

I open my eyes, sweating from head to toe. I sit up straight so fast that it gives me whiplash and I have to give my eyes a few minutes to refocus. I am sitting on my bed, in my room and my room is entirely like it always is: various pictures hang on the walls where they've always been, my dresser is still where it always and so is my desk and TV and X-Box. I look at the clock. It's 11:59 p.m. I must have dozed off waiting up for Skylar, who apparently never came. I wipe the sweat from my forehead as my alarm clock moves forward one minute.