Heart of Moss

Honestly

If I am being completely honest,
which is a toss-up,
easy and hard for me,
You are the one person, recently,
who is constantly and consistently on my mind.

I'm not sure if that's a good, bad, or crazy thing to "do."
I barely know you, even though I've know you for a while.
Yet the moment I met you...
It's complicated
You speak to me, well not you in particular,
Maybe your vision or just the embodiment of You.
I write poems and stories.
I create realms, imagining that someone,
A past me, a present me, a dream me,
Was lucky enough to be with the amazing you.
Desperate, I know.

I'm probably HEAVILY infatuated, obsessed more like it.
I don't know what it is I can't shake.
I don't know why before I met you I got excited about your name.
I don't know why you could speak to me with just a your eyes
Or how we knew each other without knowing a damn thing or speaking a damn word.
I don't know why you cared about how I felt, where I was going, who I was with.
I have no idea why it mattered,
why you still matter.

I just don't know.

How can a person break my heart without even touching it,
knowing it,
seeing it,
holding it.

How can a person say they love me without meaning it?

I'm tired of the conniption,
The never ending conundrum
That I call, what we are or were,
When you can't even say friends.
Friend.

So much history compiled into short days, basically work shifts.
How can you become so attached to a person without ever taking.
How can you say you care so much
If we barely even touched.

What are we? No's and Yes's ?
Fights but nothing to fight about
Anger but no resentment
What are we doing, if not a dance of confusion?
We were always opening locked doors,
Peeping through closed curtains,
But knowing exactly what's going on inside.

How can we exchange "I love you's" without using the words "I love you" just a little bit.
Constantly skirting around the obvious being oblivious.

How could we never go forward?
How could you take care of me when I was drunk but ignore me when I was sober?

Why did I feel like time stopped when we spoke?
Here's a real question

Why did you even talk to me in the first place?

I never want to lose you, but I've already lost you.
I never wanted to leave you but I already have.
I wasted so much time, wanting you but not trying to get you.

I've never hated and loved someone so much.

I hate that I love you, loved someone so much.

You bring a warmth to my heart, accompanied by pain and gut wrenching tears.

You broke my heart like a first love, but always gave me comfort and hope like a second.

I wish you were my third.

Why must you be my destruction, yet my inspiration.

I wish I said goodbye, but I know it would've meant more to me than you,
And it would've hurt way worse to me than to you.

That's the funny thing about love though,
Not everyone can have their happy ending with their current love interest.

That's me being completely honest with my self.

Honestly

I love you,
anonymously