Heart of Moss

Just some thoughts

I was always been honest with you, my ever so quiet, ever so lonely reader(s)

I want a fresh start
And I have the possibility to do so
I can't start again
Forget the past
Forget the lies
Forget the fake friendships
Because I have so many I cannot even count them.

So many fake friendships that turned real but burned out because all of the bullshit that came before them.

I want to try to not be so sad and so angry all of the time
I'm sad constantly because the people around me depress me constantly with their constant problems, always exclaiming theirs are more important than mine, constantly.

It's not like they say it to my face, because that would be completely unorthodox for this generation, no we say it between the lines, or pass it down the grape vine hoping to make a sweet one sour.

I'm sad because every friendship I have walked into has become sour, dry, or dead.
It starts off fresh and beautiful, then they become to attached, well not just them, me aswell.

And as we've become attached more problems arise because, we care more about each other and our feelings and what hurts, what's wrong, what's right, what we can and cannot do.

And the friendship starts to become a burden to atleast me.
I start to feel it closing in on me,
It's like the suffocation of a free bird
like a rope around the neck, getting tighter and tighter until it's too tight to bear.

So we care too much now, and since we are young adults, things get thrown into that overflowing pot of boiling water.
Boys
Girls
Both

It's make me want to scratch my eyes out of despair.
Is it terrible that a friendship makes me want to feel pain
That most friendships do

So that pot of boiling water begans to deep onto the, hypothetical, floor,
Which means fights break out
And yes I'll stay along for a fight or two.
But as the days go on, and we fight another time or so, the more I stop caring
The more I start lying
The less sympathetic I am
And the more blunt
The more angry

I'm angry because I have to deal with the stress of a marriage with a person I may not even know in a couple of months or a year.
The person I don't even speak to anymore
The person I rather not share my secrets with
A person I dread seeing.

I'm angry because the freshness wears off every relationship I've ever had.
And the person wants so much more effort and affection and trust and love, so much I've already given and have never gotten back.
They want to hound it out of me
And then I become the bad guy if my response is equivalent to the text message K

and my parents think it is strange, I enjoy spending my time alone, assuming I'm depressed.
Which I was once, now I'm almost tired, constantly sleepy, or too weak to care.

I've stopped caring completely I think I distance my heart from everyone.

I sound like a empty soul
How being around anyone outside of my family makes me want to have an aneurism.

And only some people see this, only some people get me.

The people who stared into my eyes at the wrong time, and they saw a black fire that wasn't meant for their eyes.

They saw some thing that spoke volumes of sadness, anger, and despair. Spoke volumes of no more feeling.

Said so much they shake there head, like they were trapped somewhere they shouldn't have ventured.

But I guess that's it right. Only some people make me feel like I can be myself.
And none of them are the people I call friends today

So why should I... why do I care now?

If it will be what it will be whatever that may be, why am so worried about what it I'll happen.

Just a thought,
Hopefully one day someone could answer it