Toxic Chaos

Courage

So far, I've only lived 18 years of my life and I can confidently say I've fallen in love twice. I've had my first kiss, met my first love, had my first boyfriend, but I've only truly loved twice. Both of them had some similarities, I never liked to compare them to each other though, but truth be told, they share a few. Both are the same age, same university, good looking, and lastly, broke my heart.

The first guy was friends with my friend's sister. When we used to go out with the squad I used to see him, and at the time it wasn't anything serious. We would just go out for dinner or for a drink or two or party together or watch soccer games together or watch movies. We got to know each other and found out that we like almost the same things, understand each other just as much, and have the same sense of humor. Two years passed, and that's when things started heating up. We moved up a few levels up, and long story short we started dating. It was good while it lasted. Everyone liked us together, probably more than we liked us together. Word travels fast in a small village, and when people start interfering, they ruin everything. The things you thought couldn't possibly change, changes. Not just the feelings but also the honesty. I'll tell you something I know for sure, there was love, even if we've both been denying it, I know there was and so does everyone. My heart broke, and I wasn't ready to let him go. I cried frequently and remembered him in many things and in so many faces. I kept trying to get him back, but since it wasn't working I stopped and began exploring my options as I met someone new, someone, that reminded me so much of what happiness felt like. Someone that filled the void inside me. Just before college started I met this guy at a camp, and it was absolutely magical because our connection was immediate. He was very much like me as well. He had those eyes that were utterly beautiful that could mesmerize anyone who looked into them. He was adventurous. He was also smart, he knew how to play with feelings. I was very well aware of who he is but the fact that I wanted to be with him so much for filling that empty void I had before him blinded me and made me ignore all his flaws. However, he was attracted to another girl when I first knew him, so I wasn't saved by the bell. We dated for a really short period, and it broke me because I was so attached, but he knew what he was doing from the start. Only if I knew. Relationships that start fast end faster. I don't want to go into details, but he thought that my hunch about his mysteriousness was wrong, but I trust my instincts and I wasn't wrong. I made him promise me to never talk that he'll never talk to me again and that I'll never see him again, his reaction was cute but the feeling was horrible for both of us. And till now, I still haven't cried once over him and I'm so proud of that.

I've had myself asking the same questions. Why don't I learn from my mistakes? It happened the first time I should've learned from the first time and should've been more careful and cautious with everything I see and do and say. I then found another question that answers the first question. Why do the people that are capable of hurting us the most capture our hearts? I realized that I couldn't escape the fact that I wanted the love that blinds me from seeing all the problems and flaws. I also realized that I couldn't escape the fact that I wanted the love between us to be the love that I've always wanted between me and another person because in my mind I was convincing myself that this is how I want to be loved and ignored all the other unhealthy factors in my relationships. No one likes superficial, and if anyone does, it'll get boring after a while. So everyone chases after what's real. Pain and happiness are realistic. However, these two definitions contradict themselves and will never go together in one hand.

I never blamed myself or them because I don't regret anything and it was a choice to be with them and vise versa, we both took the same decision, it's not like one forced the other.

The first time, I don't think it was painful enough, but the second time it taught me that because I let everything pass by and because I go with the flow I let them hurt me. I think I've found myself now, and I know who I want and who I am and what I want and when I want what I'm after. I've learned to accept that being on your own for a while teaches you how to be independent and it's the best kind of feeling I've ever felt so far. I feel liberated, and it feels amazing and fills a huge puddle of happiness in my heart.