This was going to be an announcement but it turned into another rant

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by parkerlk

by parkerlk

Uh, I don't think I'll update for a while unless it's something positive.
I don't know if I'll ever even update again??? I might just delete this
I'm going to pray this gets less painful instead of more,?
We both know we're reading each update (at least, you know I'm reading yours.)
I want to write
But I feel self conscious ( naturally ) because I feel like you're feeling more pain than me? But I wouldn't know, obviously.
So I don't want it to look like I'm trying to make you feel bad. (I swear, I'm not.)
I miss you.
You're all I think about all day.
I just ranted to Kay (remember, the Internet friend?) and told her the whole story, then went to my sister and cried.
Again.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm pretty, if it matters.
Is that the first step to loving myself?
It's probably important.
I know I'm pretty.
You know that feeling in your throat when you're about to cry?
That's constant. Fucking constant. Why is it lasting so long?
Why won't it go away?
When will it go away?
How long does it take?
Do things get better or worse from here?
I've never written a song.
But I might

I'd expect to feel like I can write the deepest most poetic and depressing shit
But I can't
I have no idea
I have no idea how to write about this.
I don't have metaphors or similes and I don't know how to write a song.
I don't know anything.
I can't feel anything until suddenly I feel it and oh god, it hurts.
I'm numb until I remember or read one of the things you wrote about me or a video or a picture and oh god , it hurts
It hurts so bad
Anyway,
Yeah. I don't think I'll update this for a while. Maybe sometime after camp.
I miss you.
I regret my decisions. (Naturally.)
I regret my actions.
I wish I let you hug me.
I WISH I LET YOU HUG ME.
why didn't I let you hug me?
WHY DID I LEAVE
WHY AM I SCARED
WHY AM I CRYING SO MUCH
WHY IS NOTHING FUN ANYMORE
I'm tired
But I haven't napped in a while.
I'm tired.
I just want to sleep

But I can't
I can't sleep! I can't breath, I can't sleep, I can't even eat. Is this what I was like earlier? I don't get any urges for self harm.
Surprisingly.
I did.
When you first walked out of the room after I told you, I wished more than anything I could do it.
Well, not anything.
But I wanted to.

Finn.
FINNEGAN.
Ha. It still autocorrects to allcaps.
Achilles
Finnegan
Apollo

You're so beautiful.

Please never forget.

I'm yours.
Eternally.
Atlas is yours.
I'm sorry I dropped the sky on us.
I'm sorry I hurt us both.
I'm sorry for everything.