I don't know what I'm talking about

hey, at least im not claustrophobic while having a mental breakdown

It's nice to be on the beach when you're crying. You know? Like, you can feel the sand and remember that there's a million rocks, that for some reason feel really nice, just there. Then a million stars in the sky and you're surrounded by a million things, and for some reason that's such a good thought, because when you break into a million pieces, it's nice to know you're not the only one. And when I look to my side, there's endless beach and endless stars. And if I look to my other side, there's the lighthouse. And the water is making nice sounds and the moon is reflecting and hey, I may be shattering but at least I'm doing it somewhere beautiful. I made a discovery about myself tonight. Therapy or meds must have done something for me, because while I'm sitting there, breaking, all I can think is. "I'm here for me. I'm here for me. If no one else can understand or forgive me or love me, I can." And that's reassuring. Everything in my body is working hard to keep me alive. So on some level, I must like myself a little bit. Have you ever cried so hard it feels like you're choking on your breath and the whole world is spinning, you can't fucking breath and you're hallucinating and god, I'm going to throw up. I haven't cried that hard since my brother got hit by a car. I kept it quiet, I was quiet but then he yelled fuck you and suddenly everything around me disappeared and I broke. I keep using the word broke. And a lot of people use that, I always thought it was corny and edgy to say "you broke me" but shit. It's the most accurate. Because it really feels like everything is being torn apart inside of you. So fuck me, and fuck my trust issues and terrible choices. Fuck me and my horrible guilt and insecurities. Fuck me and my horrible past with boys.
Luis- seventh grade. He was nice and whatever, then we broke up and he called me on speakerphone with all of his friends and told me he was sorry and he missed me. When I said it too, I was laughed at. So what if I was 12? It still hurt.
Bennett- got me high and hooked up with me. Said he loved me. Probably didn't. Took advantage of me, now that I think about it. I was thirteen, he was fifteen. Took me six months to get over him.
Edgar- a fucking pervert who acts like a friend until you disagree with him.
Kino- forced me to suck his dick after getting me high. He was eighteen, I was fourteen.
Jude- he got me high then tried to pressure me into hooking up with him to the point I cried. He was thirteen. He scared me. Now I can't look at him.

There's probably more that I'm not even thinking about. But he asked why, and every time I try to talk to him I can't. So here. I hate myself. I really really don't like myself and I have to learn how to do that before I can burden someone. And FUCK I love you so much. I love you so much and everything inside of me hurts but it's not fair. It's not fair to you. It's unhealthy and I will not let it turn into something worse. And the fact that for some reason I can't learn to trust people probably says a lot about what my relationship status should be. And the fact that I did this to myself makes me angrier. Like, the fact that I literally did this to myself makes me so upset because there's no one to blame but me. But I guess everything happens for a reason. I love you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry that I did this. I'm sorry that I did this to you. I'm sorry I did this to me. I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not used to any of this. I'm sorry that I don't feel like I'm worth this, that I feel like people just pity me. I'm sorry that I'm just realizing this isn't normal insecurity, this is self hate and i guess that's the reason. I need to get better. I love you. I miss you.
But I still stand by what I said.
I couldn't have chosen a better person to fall in love with for the first time.