im writing for myself again

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by parkerlk

by parkerlk

I originally created this book as an outlet. Where I could vent without the worries of keeping a schedule or anyone I know seeing it. That didn't work out, and then there was a point where I wasn't writing for myself. I was writing because I felt I should, not because I wanted to.

It feels kind of nice doing something for myself. Acknowledging that im doing it for myself is even better. so the fact that I sit in study hall waiting at biting my nails just waiting to lunge for my phone and open instagram the second 9:30 comes is worrying, yes. Not because im addicted to my phone, shut up baby boomers.

I'm scared, I think. I read through this book just now and it's a good idea to tiptoe into this. But it's something like color that explodes inside of me when I think about this. When i remember, hey, i could potentially be facetiming him soon.

I could hear his voice. Maybe. And that's terrifyingly beautiful. Because when you wait for something to happen or pray that something is going to happen, usually you're hoping in vain. and you don't really expect it to happen. And then it does and BOOM.

Today in chemistry I learned about chemical changes versus physical changes. A physical change is when you change the appearance of something. Like when you chop wood in half, or you put some makeup on. It just looks different, but nothing really changed at all. A chemical change is when you change the properties of something.

A sign of a chemical change usually is light and heat.

I'm not sure where I was going with this, but that popped into my head just now when I was talking about color exploding inside of me. It's not just color, i think. I think it's light. And heat. But mostly light. There's a sign in Little Little's room that says "When you are sitting alone and scared in the darkness, I hope one day you will remember the light of your own existence."

for a second I remembered that night on the beach, and there was a horrible moment where I thought i was going to have an anxiety attack in the middle of class and have to sprint down to Blaum. Then I remembered that I'm not there anymore. that for fucks sake, i love myself now.

And then I remembered that night on the beach wasn't dark. It wasn't cold and empty. Because I was there.

And I had the light of my own existence.

If only I could see it then.