I don't know what I'm talking about

the most mature ive ever been about something

So, after making bad decisions and breaking promises, multiple, (I don't even trust me, don't worry) I sat on my bed, looking in the mirror. And for the first time in a while, I escaped.
Anyway, in this state of mind, which I am no longer in, I looked in the mirror and thought. "I am beautiful." It was a sudden wave of self confidence, this amazing, amazing feeling! So I wrote it down. I wrote it all down so I could remember it when I'm sad. I want to remember this feeling.
And you know what the most comforting part is?
Last night was horrible.
Obviously.
But I don't like myself. I don't! I've said this so many times. But something in me knew this was going to be a long, long time that it was going to hurt. I knew because I can't think about this without crying. God, I swear I'm not pitying myself, I swear. I don't know what I'm doing! But I swear, I swear I don't like to hurt people. I don't like to hurt you. I don't like to hurt anyone but myself.
And I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not strong.
I'm not strong.
I'm not strong.
I'm so tired.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.

I'm not going to hurt myself.
I'm not going to create more scars.
I'm selfish.
No matter how much I like myself, I always come first, for some reason.
I wish I met you in our twenties.
I wish I wasn't fifteen.
I wish I knew what I was doing.
I broke me!
I did it!
I can fucking say this is my fault because it is!
You didn't break me
I did.
I did it to myself!
Does that make me the hero or the bad guy?
I think I know the answer.
I miss you.
I'll miss you for a while.
God, I'm so sorry.
I'm repeating myself.
I'm so sorry!
I need to stop apologizing.
I have to go.
You can unfollow me and block me on everything.
You don't have to read the updates of this stupid book ever again.
I made this for me, after all.
I'm pretty selfish.