I'll never do it again

Untitled Part 26 trigger warning

 twenty six

AN THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT TO BE VERY DARK THE EVENTS AT THE MALL SERIOUSLY EFFECTED GEES MENTAL HEALTH PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED TO SELF HARM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE/ or even just easily upset it's ok to not read thing that might hurt you just skip to the next chapter and take care of yourself if you need to talk to someone you can DM me on Instagram at @the_weird_punk_who_plays_ukulele

Frank had opened the door for me to get in and then went to the back of the car to put our shopping bags in the trunk I was sitting in he front seat doing my best to not lose it completely because I didn't need Frank to see me with ugly black mascara tears running down my face everything Nikki said was true and even things she hadn't gotten the chance to say I bet I don't even "pass" as a girl and I just look like a pretender or something I needed to go home and change and be alone except I don't wanna be alone but I do it's confusing I sighed as Frank climbed into the car he didn't say anything he just started the car an pulled out of the parking lot as we drove down the street my house was on he finally spoke. Are you gonna be okay? He asked taking his eyes of the road for a split second to look at me. Yea I lied through my teeth because I knew what I was gonna do I just didn't want to tell Frank good he smiled stopping in my drive way do you want me to just take all of this home with me ? He asked referring to all the shopping bags I'd changed at the mall into jeans and a tee shirt so I didn't need to worry about my family seeing me yea itd be stupid to bring it into my house I sighed I opened my door and waved good bye to Frank I love you baby never forget that he said I love you too I replied shutting the car door and I watched as he drove off I sighed walking into my house dropping my bag by the door and walking up the stairs I reached my bedroom and shut the door being sure to lock it so no one would walk in |!trigger warning! | I walked over to the window and opened it pulling old "friends" out of the windowsill a bottle of pills oxycodone and the last blade that I couldn't bear to throw out and the last two tiny liquor bottles I had I hadn't drank in months but I couldn't stay properly conscious in my body anymore

I shut the window and went into the bathroom I was lucky enough to get the bedroom with its own bathroom I guess but what happened tonight was not gonna be lucky I wonder how dangerous it is to take oxy with liquor? Eh not dangerous enough really no guarantee of death I downed half the bottle I was holding some sort of cheap whiskey from a liquor store that didn't give a fuck that I was obviously not legal and then opened the pill bottle I didn't have many left so why not take all of them tonight?

I poured them out into my hands seven seven pills more then I've taken before but probably not enough to kill me bummer I put all of them in mouth at once swallowing them with the other half of my whiskey which was already starting to make my head buzz I wish I had bigger bottles cause I didn't feel nearly drunk enough yet I picked the other bottle up off the floor downing about a quarter of it before putting it back on the floor I should really pace myself better I picked the blade up I had planned to do this already I'd been thinking about it since the mall I was wearing short sleeves easy access to wrists that Weren't going to be clean much longer I put the blade to my skin

Stupid..fucking.......price...of...shit....horrible....excuse..for...a..human...being I muttered to myself adding a cut with each word I stopped for a second to look at the blood running down my arm I ran my fingers through it smearing up my arm a little blood had a strange consistency but I didn't care all that much I picked the blade back up I continued to cut not paying attention to the depth or amount of cuts or how close to the vein they were because I honestly couldn't care less I was counting always counting everything cuts calories failures everything is counted in my world and bigger numbers are bigger failures I reached 100 cuts on one wrist before stopping I already felt better even though that was because I was too high to care and endorphins were rushing through my body trying to repair damage I picked the blade up and started on my other wrist there's blood everywhere my shirt the floor my jeans everywhere I didn't care though I could always clean up later if I lived through this night you know my moms always telling me I'm not alone so where was she now when it's too many pills and a razor blade all alone in the bathroom sleeping peacefully unaware that her child was destroying them self on purpose I stopped counting one hundred cuts on each wrist 200 hundred cuts seven pills and two bottles of whiskey keeping me from feeling anything at all I stood up for a second before I fell to the ground again too dizzy to stand and suddenly sick I forced myself across the room to the toilet barely in time and threw up everything the foul smelling alcohol and three half dissolved pills were first and suddenly I realized it wasn't a bad thing I mean throwing up is a shitty experience but all of those extra calories are gonna be gone I stopped trying to hold back vomit and let go spilling everything from today into the porcelain bowl I wiped my mouth realizing that my wrists were still bleeding I wondered how long it would take for them to stop I didn't have much time to think before I was vomiting again old pills and cheap whiskey is a shitty idea I finally stopped vomiting long enough to bandage my arms so they didn't bleed on my sheets and half heartedly wipe blood off the floor but I really just smeared it around before giving up I stood again clutching door frames and dressers to keep myself upright but I didn't even make it to the bed before my vision went black and I fell