Euthanasia (Kellic)

13: The Apologetic

But It's Ok To Never Be The Same, At Times It Won't Be Easy, But Nothing Hast To Change. We're Hopeless Till The End, There'll Be Better Days

I hear their voices, everywhere and always. It's haunting; in fact, I think I'm pretty sure I'm hallucinating, but it always seems just so... real. Then again, hallucinations do seem to have a certain knack for that, being hallucinations and all. But these aren't just any voices, these are their voices - Vic's and her's... not Jenny's, thankfully, but not so thankfully, lisp girl's, Christa's. I'm pretty sure I've gone insane by about now, but really, I was just awaiting it.

I don't think I want to call her lisp girl anymore. Lisp girl was nice and smuggled me coffee; lisp girl cared. Christa didn't. Christa seemed like a hallucination herself, and I was beginning to have rather insanity driven suspicions regarding the fact that the world may just be out to trick me all the time.

I can hear those voices all the time, and I can't quite tell if they're even there half of the time, or whether my paranoia is just particularly taking pleasure in winding me up today. I think it's the guilt - because, deep down it all feels like my fault, and I have my reasons - everything's always my fault, and people are generally quite happy to left me think that... even Vic Fuentes, it seems.

My friends don't even stop the voices now; I can still hear him at all times. The paranoia entwines as deeply as blood within my veins, and I just know that they're real, because nothing that was fake could possibly feel quite as tangible and painful as this.

"Vic, go up to him for fuck's sake!" And even in the busy school hallways, I can tell that particular 'hallucination' is definitely real and definitely regarding me, and then I turn around and I know it's definitely my Vic and not just some other random asshole. I'm not sure if I'm happy to know it's him, or whether my insides are churning with guilt and anxiety as he even fathoms approaching me. It's just who is shouting at him is the problem - it's lisp- Christa. Christa's with him, and I'm not entirely sure how to feel about this.

What if he's told her things... everything? What if every word I've ever spoken to Vic has now been passed on in some crazy relay of gossip back and forth between every single sod in this piss poor excuse for a school? But Vic wouldn't, would he? I struggle to justify this, because I really don't know, with someone like Vic I can never know, and that hurts the most, it hurts more than my friends at night, and the feeling when I see the whole world just slip between my fingers.

"Kellin-" And then I feel myself being pulled from the stream of students and into the head boy's office. I wasn't quite sure as to what had warranted Vic having an office; I wasn't sure any of the previous head boys had even had one, but then again, Vic seemed to have special powers when it came to convincing people to comply with his every word, and this was surely going to be my demise, I knew already. 

I found myself to be confronted with a rather awkward looking Vic Fuentes, with an apologetic looking Christa hiding behind him, and then the door closes and my eyes meet with his. And that's just when things started to get interesting. I'm just not quite sure why she evens bothers to be here - is this some piss poor attempt at an apology, backed up only by Vic's charm and that smile I just want to punch right off his face sometimes.

"I'm sorry." Christa burst out, and then took a few seconds in which to compose her panicking frame before continuing. Maybe she had made a mistake and a terrible one at that, but really, I didn't know - I couldn't tell. Christa, or lisp girl, was a conundrum from whatever angle you approached her from. "I just- ah god... my brother died like," she made a rather indiscreet gesture to signify cutting but she got her intentions across so maybe I didn't just mind all that much, but then again, the stuck up part of me had to turn my nose up at her regardless. "My brother died like that." Then it all fell into place - everything suddenly clicked into sense.