Euthanasia (Kellic)

36: The Screaming

The Pull On My Flesh Was Just Too Strong Stifled The Choice And The Air In My Lungs Better Not To Breathe Than To Breathe A Lie 'Cause When I Opened My Body I Breathe In A Lie

At first it's silent, and then, then there's so much noise.

Someone's screaming - I don't know whom. At first I go with the logical explanation and think perhaps its me, but as I try to close my lips and silence the scream I find that my lips don't work - my mouth won't work, and nothing will come out.

It's not me screaming.

The thought of company in one's last moments is both calming and absolute daunting, because fuck - I never wanted anyone to see me like this, but it was good to have the record set straight - a part of me wanted people to know it was this way with a gun to my head and not just an accident.

Part of me wanted people to know I was hurting.

That was the part that wanted me to be the one screaming out, the part that screamed out when I turned to my friends and the part that screamed out for help - the part of me that was fourteen again and wanted to stop this all before it had even began.

I called that part of me stupid but really it was the only part of me in the right, and it was weird, so fucking weird that only now, only in my imminent death that I came to realise that.

Perhaps I would have even laughed, I mean if I found it funny instead of horribly relieving - it felt weird to be so empty and so absolutely insignificant, to consider yourself dead, even. It was awfully enlightening and it was truly said that my moments of enlightenment would also be my last moments of all.

I think perhaps this final feeling of content and success would be something I would love to treasure and keep safe, because if I felt like this all the time I would never feel like I wanted to put that bullet in my brains in the first place.

Isn't that odd?

I barely even want this anymore.

I just want this happy feeling, because it's happier than I've ever been before - it's something new and the last thing I'll have. Perhaps that's comforting to know that despite my situation, I found myself dying a happy death.

But I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I never pulled the trigger and if I never picked up the first blade? Perhaps if I'd gotten to a different high school entirely and that I'd never fell into a trap like this.

The thing about traps though, is that they're built so you can't get out - they're built to hold you until you die and I guess setting traps for yourself isn't the best idea I've ever had...

I guess perhaps I regret it now.

But it's too late and it's too hard to think when the only thing I can hear is screaming - endless, painfully loud screaming and crying of distorted words and cries - it's horrible and it doesn't stop.

But then it does.

But really, the screaming didn't stop, I did.

-

"It's a stupid idea." He says - the boy. Young, yet somehow tall and mature looking with dark hair and eyes that look like they've seen more than they would have liked to.

"Why?" She asks, her offense hidden inside herself as she folds her arm, pouting at him and trying not to look to upset or too much like she likes him, because she does. It's just that neither of them know that yet.

"I'll die or something if I climb that tree." The second boy adds - he knows. He knows that they like each other but he doesn't know why the first boy always looks so mature and sad. The second boy is younger than the both of them with shorter dark hair and a smile that's never vacant.