Euthanasia (Kellic)

23: The Fall

Have You Ever Really Danced On The Edge? Just Hold My Hand And Jump And Bright Lights Mean Nothing To You 'Cause No One Would Know The Sound Of A Ghost

I think jumping would have been awfully nice; dying in itself being all that I could possibly want and dream of, yet when met with the inevitability of it all and Mike's worrying nonchalance, I couldn't get further than the edge, because this just didn't feel right and inside I was pathetic enough to be begging for Vic.

I couldn't; in the moment it mattered the most I just couldn't and that left me to fall into a conclusion that stated a fact nothing short of the matter that I deserved it. I deserved this death sentence because it was simply all I could ever have known; nothing felt more familiar than the ecstasy of standing atop this very cliff, but somehow something was stopping me and that something resembled Vic Fuentes far too much for anything to be at all okay.

My heart hurt as I stood there for what felt like forever, wishing I had at least a friend to hold as I lost myself and the world around me completely, but I just wasn't quite that lucky. I was just alone; so very, very alone, all except from Mike, of course, but Mike didn't seem real, because Mike didn't care.

"You can't do it, can you?" He dragged his words out into reality like they didn't mean a thing - they did, and I think maybe he knew that inside too, but he was sparing me that kind of closure. Mike's values were already a confusing matter without the element of my suicide brought into them.

"I- I... just need a moment." I lied to the two of us here, wondering what exactly I was trying to accomplish here and just how sadistic telling someone to wait a minute before you jumped from a cliff was. And of course for them to be teasing you about not being able to go through with it topped the others of the scale of sickness by far.

"You can't, Kellin." He continued, meeting my gaze with far too much sincerity to make me anything but uncomfortable. "I know you can't - I can tell. I'm not stupid." Well, that'd make one person. That'd make one fucking exception to that rule, because everyone else is painfully stupid. No one quite understand at all, and especially not Vic Fuentes.

Vic is the stupidest one of all. And he's proud of it - he wears that stupidity with pride.

"I just- I just." And then I completed the pathetic look with tears equivalent to Niagara Falls streaming down my already red cheeks, believe me, they weren't red in the way I desired at all.

Now with the patheticness and the realisation that somehow my feet had found themselves glued to the rocks I stood a top, I wanted nothing more than to tear myself apart - limb from fucking limb, because oh god, I was so fucking pathetically useless; I couldn't even manage the simplest of tasks at all. I couldn't even place one foot over the edge.

I couldn't jump.

"Come down, Kellin. It's okay." I don't know why I listened, but I did. I felt lost, alone and ready to follow the only instructions given to me, even if they were nothing but useless to me in every way possible.

"I'm pathetic!" I screamed aloud for the whole world to hear, despite the fact that I knew no one was listening. No one ever listened and not even now.

The world would hear eventually though; they'd hear the suicide headlines and they'd listen then, but no ears are open now, because no one gives a fuck when you're still alive, because they have no reason to prove they're compassionate by feeling sorry towards you. When you're alive - you don't need their sympathies, and you certainly don't need them in death either.

"No, you chose life- you're strong." I shook my head defiantly to show my disagreement towards his words.

"No, Mike. I didn't choose... I didn't have much of a choice at all." I admitted what was rather unfortunately for me, the truth. "I chose the easy way out, because, I'm just a fucking coward, okay?"