Euthanasia (Kellic)

38: The Thoughts

And With Words Unspoken, A Silent Devotion - I Know You Know What I Mean And The End Is Unknown But I Think I'm Ready, As Long As You're With Me

I hadn't been surprised that Vic left eventually - everyone did. It was something I had gotten to used to and rather unfazed by nowadays, but nothing could shake me like that broken promise, because this was Vic and he always seemed to keep his promises, especially so, in my case, it seemed.

I couldn't complain though - after all, hadn't I just wanted him to leave me alone, and he had done so, no without complaint of course, but then again this was Vic - nothing came without complaint, especially if it seemed like a good idea to me. But I wished he hadn't left- no, part of me wished he hadn't, and it was just that the part of me that wished he had that was shouting the loudest.

I didn't deserve a kept promise though; I broke one for him, so really we were just about even now - I needn't expect anything and I of course had no rights to whatsoever, but there was a part of me that only came to appreciate what I had once it was gone.

I was always stupid like that.

Even as a kid I only really tasted how nice the slice of cake was until I'd finished it all, and I only realised just how much fun I'd had with my friends until they were gone.

And I only realised just how important Vic was once he was gone... I only realised just how much I loved him once he was gone. 

Perhaps it was just that he was far easier to love when he wasn't moaning in your face regarding just about every single move you made, but as my thoughts lingered long I came notice that it was rather the same on Vic's end - he'd only realised how much he felt the need to care about me once I'd nearly gone; he only ever talked to me after he found me just about to bleed out in the school bathroom's.

We'd never really been friends before that of course, but we'd surely seen each other around school before but without the bat of an eyelash. I couldn't blame him though; that's how humans worked - we only seemed to notice things when they were about to be taken from us.

And this had of course entirely backfired on me and perhaps I deserved that more than anything, because the hurt inside of me had prevented me from seeing just how much of a fucking asshole I'd been, because if anything other than self-destruction was my speciality, it had to be being an absolute dickhead.

Perhaps I reckoned I deserved everything, but as I continued to think, everything seemed to make sense... I had an awfully clear head today and I suspected it was something to do with the pills I'd taken.

Well... not pills per say... 

I hadn't overdosed, although that seemed like a particularly enticing option right now.

It was just the rather obvious fact that those doctors were never going to let me out the hospital without an artillery of medication. Anti-depressants, of course; bullshit being my initial response, but seems that after a suicide attempt refusal just wasn't an option - if I ever wanted to leave that damn place, that was.

I'd taken my pills this morning, or rather, been forced to, and it was weird to say the least - I imagined to feel instantly weird and unlike myself, but I felt nothing but dizzy and weirdly light headed - I felt kind of high, in fact, but without the trippy thoughts, I just felt all floaty, barely there.

I felt like I was all thoughts and no person; just a concept, perhaps... it was as if the action of walking in front of a moving car held no consequence in my mind and I couldn't see how this was better than the dull ache of nothingness and eagerness to draw blood from my skin.

The thoughts were the only thing that mattered and it was almost as if all background noise and unnecessary emotion had been blocked out - all it was, was clarity and perhaps this had been all I needed, because as I began to walk through the woods and past the river I began to think less and less of how easy it would be to push my head under that water and die right there, and more of just how beautiful it looked with the sunlight shining upon it through the trees.