Break Your Little Heart// A Thomas Fanfiction

Chapter 21

“You’re mother came home today,” my dad said over dinner on Thursday night.

“Did she,” I said carefully, spearing a piece of chicken with my fork. We had been eating takeout every night this week, luckily tonight I got to choose what I wanted to eat, so we were having Thai food.

“She grabbed some things…” His voice cracked.

“Dad,” I said, looking up from my plate of food. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

“No,” he shook his head. “You need to hear this.”

I was worried now, “I need to hear what?”

“She’s leaving me,” Dad pushed his food out of the way calmly. “She’s moving in with… with…”

“No,” I shook my head, not believing it.

“She said she had planned to do it a while back, but couldn’t find the courage to tell me.” He tried his best to not cry, but his breathing was shaky.

“This is…” I couldn’t find the words.

“She wants a divorce,” he got out.

“Too much,” I found the words. “This is too much, may I be excused?”

“Yes but honey…” my dad reached for my hand. I couldn’t though, I needed to get away from all of this, the air around me felt heavy.

“I’ll help clean up later… I just…” I shot out of my chair and left the room.

I ran up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door behind me. I didn’t know what to do, I felt so lost. The air was heavier in my bedroom than the kitchen, so I opened up a window and laid down on my bed.

My initial reaction was to cry, but I couldn’t find the tears.  So I turned around and hit my pillow, then I hit myself.

I was slamming my fists against my legs until they were numb and my hands were stinging.

I couldn’t control the emotional pain I was feeling, so I decided to take it out on my body. And it felt amazing, it felt good to control something. But I immediately felt guilty as I rubbed my legs. I wasn’t to blame for all of this, why was I punishing myself? I shouldn’t hurt myself, I was getting enough of that from everyone else.

I fell back onto my back, suddenly feeling really tired.

I thought about calling Thomas, he would have cared enough to talk me through whatever had just happened. But I’d already felt so dependent on him lately, between the car rides home and the insecurities I had confronted him about Clarissa. And calling him and talking to him while I had some sort of outlook on this situation, while I was safe in my room and not hurt in the middle of the forest, it all seemed like a bad idea. It would make me feel like I was no longer independent.

So I didn’t go downstairs and help my dad clean up dinner and talk about our feelings, no.

I reached for my iPod and played some Sleeping With Sirens in my ears. Whatever animosity the lead singer felt towards his father, I felt towards my mother.

“Father, father, tell me where have you been?

It’s been hell not having you here

I've been missing you so bad

And you don't seem to care

When I go to sleep at night, you're not there

When I go to sleep at night, do you care?

…

Why are you walking away?

Was it something I did?

Did I make a mistake cause

I'm trying to deal with the pain

I don't understand this, is this how it is?

I will try to understand”

It feels like shit, it honestly does. Wondering if you could have done something to make sure your parent’s relationship will work out… only to realize it’s not your relationship to fix. Youcould do everything in your power to make sure that you were not the reason that they didn’t work out. You always come home on curfew, do your chores without complaining, work hard to get good grades. It isn’t enough though, because at the end of the day it is your parent’s relationship, not yours. So you must sit around, watching it fall apart underneath you as your life is spun around without any control.

But the most important thing anyone should realize, it isn’t your fault. It will never be your fault that your parent’s don’t get along, or get a divorce. As I laid there, thinking about this, I felt some sort of warmth grow inside of me.

In my pain and sorrow, I finally realized something. I am not responsible for controlling my parents relationship, but I am responsible for controlling my relationships.

If I wanted to be with Thomas, then I could be with Thomas. All bets are off; everything I was getting paid for had to be canceled.

I was done playing with people’s hearts, because I finally wanted to follow my own.