Nyla
Inhaling and exhaling, feeling my heart rate increase, my palms become sweaty, my lips would move every so often but no sound would come out. How do I bring myself to tell my son's father about the decisions and things I did for money? Not just any money, I didn't do it so that I could walk around with designer this or designer that.
I did it to make sure my son never went without. Does my decision make me a nasty, trifling, no good whore or slut? That's how some people see me, it hurts... cuts deep, takes me to a place of no return. The feeling of worthlessness will never leave my heart.
I'm ashamed, I am suppose to set an example and be the kind of lady I'd want my son to find. I'm not that lady... I've done things that I'm not proud of but I can't take that back. My child had what he needed even if I had the same pair of jeans and 3 shirts. As long as they were clean I kept moving.
That's one thing many may not know, yeah I had the beautifully decorated condo, food stayed in the refrigerator, toiletries and other needed things. But I never had money for myself, I couldn't buy myself clothes or shoes I had to take what I was given.
Santana would buy me things occasionally but it would be this expensive dress or those expensive shoes. Things I couldn't wear everyday, he made sure Skylar had clothes from the day he entered this world up until I finally left him. And that was fine as a mother you make sacrifices, I didn't care about what I had it was all about my child.
I leaned against the car window, watching Julian take in my every move. Trying to figure me out, he wanted to know why I was so afraid, so paranoid, angry, lost, emotionally and physically drained. The answer is I have given up, but I will never allow those around me to know that I've given up.
To the world I'm a mother who has been through hell, just trying to make it. To me I'm weak, I have no direction I don't even know my next move. Finally building up the courage to just spill out the truth I sat up straight. After this he either understands why I did what I did or he doesn't. I refuse to let another man belittle me and use my choices against me..
"What's going on with you Nyla? You've changed so much"
"I had to experience the harsh realities of life that's what happen. Being homeless throughout my whole pregnancy. And all of a sudden a few weeks before I expect myself to go into labor I meet a man. I had to calculate the time skylar was supposed to come. I didn't know when he was due, all I knew was I had a baby growing inside of me. Going nights wondering what I'm gonna do because the baby wasn't gonna wait until I was ready! I could have went into labor on the street.. but that man came. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, he'd help me with my child, get me a place to stay. At the time it didn't matter what I had to do, I was only thinking shit he offered me a place to stay, food, clothes and things I'd need for my baby I'm all in. Never once did I think.. wait he could be a killer, rapist, pimp, anything my ears only heard one thing a warm place to stay for me and my child"
Julian sat speechless because he knows there's nothing he can say. He put me out, left me to fend for myself after I had chosen him over my own family. I was dumb and in love, willing to lose everything just to be with Julian, a man I had no business being with in the first place.
At times I wonder if I would have chosen my parents where I'd be.. would I still somehow find myself in a fucked up situation just with a different man? I won't say I wish I had of done things differently because then I wouldn't have Skylar.
"Ny-"
"No let me finish, I met Santana and he moved me into this gorgeous condo. Went shopping got all the nice things for Skylar. But on one condition I had to sleep with him in return for everything I needed. The deal didn't start until I had healed after having Skylar.. of which I did all by myself, alone. Anyway he didn't help me with Skylar physically but he helped financially. After a few months I actually fell in love with him. He treated me so good, he started really becoming involved in Skylar's life. Soon he started hitting on me when I'd say no to what ever he wanted. I thought because we had started dating that maybe the deal was off... nope. He beat me constantly, it got so bad I had planned to leave and take sky. He found out and took every penny from my bank account. I had no choice but to st-"
"You couldn't get a job? There's daycare.. they watch kids for parents who work you know"
"Interrupt me one more time! If I would have put him in daycare that would have been another bill he had to pay. Meaning more sex, beatings etc. Before the situation happen with Skylar, he threatened to take everything from me and take me to court for custody. So I-"
"I'm a lawyer and there is no possible way he could gotten custody. Now he could have gotten him taken away by the state by making you look like an unfit mother.. tell me you didn't agree to have his baby"
"What did I tell your ass? Stop interrupting me, no I didn't agree to have his baby"
"Good because the only babies coming out of you will be mines"
"Shit.. your really bugging, he said that having his baby would be the only way for him not to take me to court. I told him I wasn't gonna do it and long story short he found me at the restaurant and basically I told him again I'm not having his baby. He got mad and humiliated me in front of everyone calling me a whore and every other name.. he was trying to shoot me but the bullet hit Skylar"
"Umm.. what the hell?"
"That's not all, he found out somehow that I terminated a pregnancy a few months back.. I guess he's pissed about that and the fact that I said no to having his baby. As a result all this crazy shit has been happening. That's why I'm leaving you can stay or come with me, your choice"
"Wow, that's crazy. I don't see you any different because I know you only did what you had to do. As for everything that's been happening I think your just paranoid. Santana isn't that powerful, there's no way he's doing all of this. It might just be a coincidence, I can't leave Baltimore right now. I'm working on this case I'll be able to leave in 2 months tops.."
"Suit yourself, I'm leaving tonight... please be safe there watching. I don't know who but I know that man is one of them. I forgive you Julian, everyone makes mistakes. You just have to learn from them and do better. So far you've proven to me that you have matured and grown into an amazing man and father. I-I still love you, take care"
I kissed his lips before getting out the car. He kept asking me why I sounded like this would be our last encounter. I'm not sure but with everything crazy happening you never know.
As I was getting Skylar out of the car Julian handing me a credit card.
"There's enough on here to last you a while, I love you too Nyla.. I never stopped. You take care too, I'll be in Pennsylvania as soon as I finish this case"
I stood in front of the bus station, tears burned my eyes. I felt like trouble is awaiting me in Pennsylvania too.. I took a deep breath before looking down at Skylar. He was fast asleep on my shoulder, it's midnight and it's a little chilly.
After paying for my bus ticket I was boarding the bus.. I just didn't feel right. I felt like something was waiting to happen, something bad.
I began looking around but nothing seemed suspicious. I hate feeling paranoid, most of the people on the bus got comfortable and went to sleep. I'm guessing there gonna be on the bus for a while.
I looked down at the bag I had. A few of my things made it through the fire. Thankfully Skylar's book was one of those things, I had it in a metal box so the all of the things in that box were untouched by the fire.
I opened the book looking through the pictures of him when he was just a few days old. I wiped the tear that had fallen, that picture was taken the day I was released from the hospital. Also the last day I saw Mrs. Caroline. I wonder how she's doing.. I guess I'll never know, last time I called the hospital they told me she retired.
The hospital refused to give me her information, it saddens me, I know she'd love to see how big Sky has gotten. She used to call him curly Sam, because he had really cute jet black tight defined curls. I'm not sure where his hair color came from mines is light brown and his dad has dark brown hair.
Once I closed the book I looked up and I swear I seen the old man sitting across from me. When I looked up again no one was there. Either this old bastard can move or I'm just seeing things..
