OUT OF MIND / MYG.

TWELVE

white.

i awake to white.

"areum, how do you feel?"

blinded.

it's so bright.

"pretty."

i rasp.

"you feel pretty?"

dr. choi.

"no, i'm not pretty. the white is pretty."

i feel dizzy.

"you lied to us, areum. you said you were taking your medication. it's been a little over a week since you took your pills."

no.

he found out.

"she made me."

dr. choi comes closer.

i can see him more clearly.

i've sat up, cross-legged.

i hate

no

dislike these clothes.

they are itchy and bland.

"who? nari?"

i flinch.

"she doesn't like you. she says you're trying to hurt me."

my head hurts.

"why does she think that?"

"because of the meds. she can't be with me if i take them. she says they will kill me. i don't want to die."

"areum, no, do you remember what we talked about when you first came here?"

i think.

"i don't know."

"nari isn't real. she's in your imagination."

dr. choi treads lightly.

"no, i saw her. yoongi saw her. she was with us when we were playing chess. she told me to hurt myself."

i want to cry.

i stare down at my bandaged forearms.

light patches of pink can be seen tainting the pure white.

"do you remember what happened earlier? why she told you to hurt yourself?"

"she thinks yoongi doesn't like me. i asked him to be my friend and he said yes. she was mad."

i pause.

"she said he only pitied me. that when he found out about what i did, he'd be scared. he'd hide from me like mom and dad."

i'm crying now.

"i s-started to c-cry. and s-she called me w-weak. she said i needed t-to be in pain."

shaking.

"yoongi tr-tried to stop me. b-but i hit him. she wouldn't stop screaming at me!"

i have the urge to rip my bandages off and scratch even harder.

dr. choi grips my hands.

"areum, you don't want the sleeves."

i huff.

i don't want the sleeves.

but i want to feel pain.

i deserve it.

"areum, you have to take your meds. it's the only way nari will leave you alone."

"i want her to leave me alone."

"then take all your medication when nurse han gives it to you."

"okay. but what if she comes back?"

"call for me or nurse han. we can help you get rid of nari."

i nod.

i like that idea.