OUT OF MIND / MYG.

END NOTE

some authors may leave things to their readers' interpretation, and to an extent so do i, but i felt the need to clear somethings up. this is mainly for my benefit to get my lasting thoughts out.

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so i got this idea from a criminal minds episode i saw when i was like eleven. one day the idea just popped in my head for no reason at all and i normally don't act on those ideas because i have so many and i end up writing it in my head but somehow this own made it out of my mind. (im an idiot who thought that pun was funny, continue on)

when i first started this book, i had no idea what i was doing with it. i had no set plot or anything. like after the first three chapters is when ideas started to form and we got somewhere on a plot. so i realize now that the beginning chapters suck and are so short but i was just writing nonsense really.

i had several ideas for the plot twist. in my opinion, plot twists are essential to a good story and so i wanted a killer one but i realize i probably let everyone down with what i wrote lmao. there were many different routes for me to take but i forgot to write them ;( but this was the finished project.

so to tie up any loose ends:

• areum's last name is kang if you didn't catch it. i like snuck it in there real quick bc originally i planned to not even give her one.

• areum is schizophrenic. this one is pretty clear but i know like she denied it for so long and it got confusing. i know this mental illness is genetic but i didn't create a backstory on how it was passed to her. probably like a grandmother or uncle or something idk.

• i wrote this book from areum's perspective. with that being said, she's mentally ill. the format seems haphazard and random but i meant to do that to show how jumbled, unsure, and confusing her thought process is. she doesn't understand it herself. i understand the whole negative hate thing annoyed some people because it does get repetitive but there was a reason. in the times were she has to constantly correct herself, it was meant to show how her mind/mental state was deteriorating. when she understood not to hate herself, was probably one of the upsides and areum was doing relatively well in such standards. also i chose not to use heavy language (big words) because areum hasn't entirely been educated to the point were she would herself use them. in fact, her thoughts are almost childish in the sense that she was ripped from the world at twelve where, before that, things were already bad.

• to kind of group with the above bullet but it got too long, areum makes clear distinctions between mentally stable and mentally ill people. for her, it's clear and there's obviously differences in how they're treated and regarded. she essentially spent most of her childhood locked up in mental health facilities and to not grasp the heavy difference between those around her and the real world is absurd. for these reasons, she uses her experiences with being treated and negatively looks down on the mentally ill as a whole. these aren't my opinions in any way, but this is her point of view. i do believe there is a stigma surrounding the situation but my hopes are that that is changing.

• minji sort of embodied eunbi. minji, herself, was the one who was suicidal, and when areum constructs this different reality, she uses her best friend to form a story to include yoongi and eunbi. minji was real but she actually ends up killing herself. she wasn't alive when her mom took her home, per se. when chaeyoung said that they took her away she was referring to the hospital because in her eyes, it was the doctors who didn't help her that killed her. so minji is still incorporated in areum's reality because she played a key role in keeping areum together. when she dies, it's like the final nail in her coffin and it accelerates the psychotic break ensuing.

• i planned on writing the encounter of areum and her parents and even chapters were she's released and her and yoongi begin a relationship. then i constructed this evil plot twist and all that went to hell.

• nari is a complicated character, she really is. i loved creating her. she was a piece of work. nari is a figment of areum's imagination but because areum has lost all sense of reality, nari becomes an attachment, a companion she can't let go. nari was first created as an imaginary friend for young areum when her father's abuse becomes headstrong. nari gets put on the backburner after areum befriends yoongi and eunbi but resurfaces when they die. when areum is faced with traumatic events, she always results to bringing nari back. it's a difficult relationship to describe because although nari is insulting and degrading of areum, there is still love and compassion.

• nari is essentially another side of areum. therefore, she is so harsh to areum at times because these are her own feelings towards herself. areum is disgusted with herself and it's easier to have someone else say these things to her than to admit it's her own belief. the humiliation is what she believes she deserves after the accident. when nari gets angry at areum about seunghee it's because she's fighting with the guilt that's harbored inside. it's the side of her that loved and cared about her sister. it's truly complicated to explain my logic on this hahah so i'll stop.

• areum did set the fire that killed her sister and burned her house down. areum, herself, couldn't wrap her head around that fact and blamed it on nari because, in her mind, nari was the one who set the flowers on fire. i can't accurately explain what i'm trying to say but essentially because areum thought nari was real, it was that side of her that was capable of something so malicious or rather thoughtless. i know that killing someone was never areum's plan. she just never thought about the repercussions of her actions because she was with nari. when she's interacting with nari, she isn't connected to reality. if any of that made sense.

• in the last encounter of nari and areum, the conversation is childish in word choice and concept and i did that on purpose. it's like this because it's basically areum saying goodbye to her childhood friend and really her childhood. areum had been hanging on to that part of her life for some time now because she hadn't coped with what happened. after areum finally acknowledges the situation, she realizes she doesn't need nari. the last scene where nari meets the little girl was added for suspense but more so to show how some people deal with traumatic experiences. this is actually more commonㅡmaybe not the whole set-a-fire-and-killed-my-sister partㅡthan others are aware so i just decided to incorporate it. it shows history sort of repeating itself but hopefully this time nari isn't a jerk amirite?

• i felt like i wasn't writing yoongi correctly but tbh i don't think any fan could. i think you'd have to have a personal relationship to create an accurate description and character. however, that didn't stop me from feeling like i made him something completely different.

• i'll probably come back and rewrite this story later because im partially happy with it. the other side of me feels i could have done so much better with it. there were things i wanted to incorporate but didn't and that doesn't sit well with me. but, for now, i want to focus on other works. it'll be a project for later on when my writing has improved and im happy enough to go back and start all over.

• this is my first fan fiction that i have finished and second book in total so im truly happy. i feel accomplished and it's giving me a lot of motivation to continue with writing.

• i don't have anything else to say but thanks to whoever read this book ! i genuinely appreciate it :))

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this is long overdue shoot me