Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 8 - Mud Blood

" In our veins , it runs mud blood . We take all kinds of drugs , it's our way to pretend that we enjoy the life we've got . "

Author's Note : This is a transition chapter so there's not a lot of things going on but there will definitely be more action in the next chapter ! Also this is written in Alois' POV !

Ciel fell asleep . Once again , I felt so alone. The saddest part was that I felt even more alone in the midst of others . Like I was isolated, condamned to a life a loneliness, no matter what.

Sometimes, when I am in the middle of a crowd, I have this horrible feeling of being in the eye of a whirlwind swallowing me up or lost in a ocean with enraged waves hitting me in the face and I suffocate.

One of the center's therapist told me to just think of a place or a person that would make me feel safe. Of walls that would protect me from the outside , from the others , from myself . I just couldn't .

I didn't know anybody or any place who could make me feel safe . Could Ciel really become that person , after all he'd done to me ? I knew I should hate with all my might but I couldn't shut out the only person who wanted to talk to me.

I craved human connection and he was the only one wanting to offer me so , besides my mother. And I was a pathetic , affection-seeking freak who wanted nothing more than to be loved.

Whilst proclaiming my independence, and being cut off from people, I knew that independence was nothing but a decoy. We were all connected to something, in a way or another. We all needed something. The proof is ,I came here with Ciel because I needed help , because I needed someone who cares about me , even if it was only an illusion .

I rolled to the side and closed my eyes. My eyelids trembled but I insisted on keeping them shut. I forbade them from opening as if closing my eyes was enough to fall asleep .

I squeezed my eyelids until I saw stars. I tried to count them , but they disappeared too quickly, leaving me alone , surrounded by darkness . There was nothing to do, sleep was refusing itself to me.

In moments like this I would usually take an eager sip of Whiskey to forget , to drown my sorrows . But I still saw his face, inevitably. The face of my father . I couldn't erase the memory of the unspeakable things he'd done to me. Things I never tell anyone , even my mother .

The howling of the wind wasn't enough to shut down his rough voice in my head. Sighing , I got up , sat by the shore and gave in to my tears, letting them escape from me to mingle with the calm water.

In a strange way, I liked to see the evidence of my bitter suffering mix with the limpid river. I loved to think that it purified me from within and this unconsciously calmed me a little.

My feelings had been played so many times. Could I really give Ciel a second chance ? My heart had been bruised, my thoughts soiled , my soul stained by cruelty .

We are never as badly protected from suffering as when we love. That's why I tried to distance himself from others after what happened to me in High School. That's why I avoided getting sentimentally involved. Beause I was certain I was damned, condemned to torment.