Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 22 - Rooftops

Do you do stupid things ? I do. All the time. I'm not a sad person though. Not even severe. I like to laugh. I can make people laugh. But my life is a drama. And it's not funny.

Two weeks had gone by. And my weight hadn't changed a bit. I was exhausted, an horrible blue-ish rings had appeared under my eyes to prove it.

I wasn't sleeping at night and sleepy during the day. Energizing drinks, vitamins, coffee and black tea were my principal source of energy. In short, all of the consumable shit that could keep me awake.

I was going crazy. Fat cow. Look at yourself. Your fat rolls come out of your shirt. Those sordid thoughts were haunting me.

I think I had no notion of my body. I saw myself as fat, while Ciel assured me that I wasn't. Or was he lying ?

Monday / a cup of tea, a glass of water, vitamins and a grapefruit.

Tuesday / A quarter of grapefruit.
Water. Coffee.

It's silly. It's dangerous. But it was becoming vital to me. I was getting bad again . The slightest thing that came into my mouth gave me nausea.

I hadn't eaten a solid meal in weeks, believing that it would make me obese. I had even changed my toothpaste's brand, replacing the one with the sweet menthol taste for a terrible plain one. I know it sounded silly. But believe it or not, it was just primordial.

I no longer sat down at the dining table or watched tv. Seeing people eating was disgusting. Seeing so much food revulsed me. Imagining myself eating made me want to die. And worst of all, the conviction that people could see me fatten like a pig for slaughter terrified me.

I was in my room , doing a few weak abs with the fleeting hope that my stomach would dig in a little. I was thinking about all I had swallowed today. This fucking multivitamin juice.

Ciel entered the room and sighed when he saw me exercising. It was 12:02PM and I knew very well what he wanted. I stopped my exercising and got up, panting.

- Alois ... he began.

- Ciel. I retorted. I didn't want him to tell me I needed to eat.

- Alois. You cannot play this game any longer. Ciel affirmed , grabbing my wrist.

- What are you talking about ? I asked

- You don't eat. You exercise way too much . he stated

- That's not true. I countered.

- Yes it is.

- No it isn't. I remained firm.

- It is. This didn't lead to anything.

He sighed. My anger was well present. It was easy for him ! Ciel could eat as much as he wanted, he didn't grow any fatter. On the other hand, I took a glass of water and ended up with the belly of a woman ready to give birth to twins.

I pulled out of his slight grip and stormed out of the room.

- Alois, come back! We need to talk!

I didn't listen to him.

*

I've always been afraid of heights. I love being on rooftops though. Isn't it stupid? My whole life is absurd.

I advance. One step after the other. The wall was just wide enough for me to walk forward. A step. Another.
Hands in my pockets in a careless attitude. Meters below me lies the ground. Fascinating me and asphyxiating me at the same time. Don't look at it.