Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 9 - Bloodshed

- " Do you want to have lunch ? We haven't eaten last night . "Ciel asked Alois once they were home.

- " I'm not really hungry. " He said

- " Are you sure ? I don't mind cooking for you, you know. "

- " I insist, I'm not hungry." He repeated himself.

The brunet chose to not argue any more, unaware of Alois' food issues. He didn't want to pressure him into doing anything .

Ciel decided to warm up instant noodles for himself, feeling too lazy to actually cook something . During this time , the blonde went to the bathroom to take a warm shower.

Ciel's apartment was really modest, but here at least, he had somd privacy. In the center, Alois was forced to leave the bathroom door agape for a nurse to watch over him and make sure he wasn't hurting himself.

Showering at the center was always a difficult moment for him . Alois abhorred his body , which he consired a defiled disgrace . His misery was written all over his body , on his scarred arms , on his sticking ribs , on the permanent bruises his father left , on the bags under his eyes...

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Ciel and Alois decided to play video games once again , not having much in common to discuss about . Ciel had the looming impression that they would never amount to anything this way . How was gaming supposed to help Alois? The boy looked so lonely and some company was certainly welcome but it would not be enough to save him.

Ciel didn't know what to say to him . He was afraid of angering him , of hurting him , or triggering him . He wasn't a psychologist , but then again the center's psychologists didn't help him at all so maybe it wasn't was Alois needed.

-" Alois ? " Ciel guardedly asked.

- "Mhh." he mumbled to show he was listening, still busy slaying virtual zombies.

-"During those two months I did not see you, what happened?"

He needed to know.

-"Huh ?" His face whitened "Nothing special, why would you ask ?" He tried to sound genuinely surprised but Ciel wasn't deceived.

- "The hospital no longer wanted me to come and see you ..." Ciel replied , exposing the evidence.

-"Oh ... well, after they discovered that I was taking drugs and still cutting myself, they decided to take away the semblance of freedom I had." he growled , knowing he couldn't lie anymore. " It was a tough moment. Got locked up in a special room, where I couldn't see anyone except from the docs. "

- "Why do you inflict this on yourself ? " It was a notion that Ciel could not grasp. He was himself burning with destructive rage, longing to reduce to ashes those who gad hurt him. But to hurt oneself was incomprehensible and counterproductive in his eyes.

-" You wouldn't understand." Alois retorted.

-" Explain it , please. " Ciel pleaded.

- " Fine " He sighed deeply " The first time I did it , it was because I felt worthless . I had this feeling I deserved punishment for being a waste of space and that no one cared about me anyway . The second time I did it, it was because I constantly felt numb and dead inside . I didn't feel anything so the pain was a reminder that i was still alive . " Alois felt humiliated by the avowal.

Ciel was astonished. He felt the same way , but the thought of harming himself to deal with it never crossed his mind . Was it really efficient ? If so many people did it , it was probably the case , wasn't it ? No. He shook his head as if to push these self-destructive thoughts away.