Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 16 - Life is beautiful

Alois' POV

I thought Ciel would say something , but he just stood there, wide-eyed , gawking at me. Was kissing him a mistake ?

I thought he loved me. He said I was the reason he was living for ... It meant something , right ? Did I rush things because I was craving affection ? Did he just say it like that ?

The waiting was becoming unbearable. I thought my suffering was finally finished , that we were finally going to live our love story ,with no more confusion, no more lies, that everything was finally settled.

He had offered me the last thing I expected from him, love . He had let me lean on him, rest on his shoulders, he had been there for me. I had opened up to him, I had given him my total confidence.

I used to always think about dying . I did everything I could to destroy myself because I had always suffered . Because suffering was all I ever knew . " Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in. "

But I had come to love life , to love my life with him. If he doesn't share my feelings I already know that everything is done for me. I wouldn't stand to go back to living like a broken, lonely mess . It seems like I fucked up everything , once again.

I wait, I wait, I wait . I wait for him to decide my fate . I can't do anything anyway, besides waiting.

30 seconds, 30 seconds of silence, 30 seconds of him staring at me without saying a word, 30 seconds of me dying from the inside. A bit of hope vanishes with every second passing. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm petrified.

So I stand there, moping, imagining the worst and the best, torturing my mind, seeing Ciel tell me he loved me, and me telling him I loved him too, picturing Ciel rejecting me , in all sorts of scenarios.

I was locked up in a cage of hatred and self-destruction. I thought it was my punishment for being alive . I destroyed my mother's life, and if I got abused and bullied it was surely because I deserved it too.

But I encountered Ciel, and instead of avenging myself for everything he did , I found a person as empty as I was, and ended up developing feelings for him .

And it was him who had finally delivered me from this cage. I had found what kept me alive, it was him. And now , he was going to leave me.

My trembling knees collapse and harshly crash against the carelage. It hurts , but I don't care. My heart was hurting too much for me to care about anything else. My chest rises heavily, irregularly, and my breathing is erratic.

- Alois!

I hadn't had anxiety attacks in months . Why now ?

The ambient heat tightens the nets around my throat, exerting a painful pressure on my lungs .

-Alois! What's up with you? Ciel panicks.

I perceive the frightened voice of Ciel calling me desperately but despite my efforts, I can't calm down. I can only emit a muffled sound that resembles the screeching of a wounded animal.

His hands rest on top of mine and pull on them. I open my eyes, which I didn't realize I had closed, to discover Ciel kneeling before me, a panicked look glued on his face.