The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

2

Chapter Two: I Win
One time, when I was trying to jump over the fence, waiting for Dale to quit brushing his teeth, I dozed off and fell asleep in the Graveyard. Dale came by an hour later and punched me hard in the stomach, so I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I was unable to move for a second, and he had already jumped the fence before I could get my revenge.

That's exactly how I feel now. Defeated. As Prick Neverclean tucks in her duck tail and pretends to act scared that she's leaving the security of her home. In the back of the square, many bony seniors are drinking hard liquor and wine to celebrate this event. One even cheers her on, and I recognize her as Grease Cap. She then falls over on her face and you can hear her hip break.

Even that delivers me no humor.

This has to be some mistake. This cannot be happening. Prick was one slip of paper in thousands. Another different little girl could have gone in her place, and I was kind of hoping it was that annoying little girl scout that follows me around the woods begging for a trade of a box of samoas for a friendship badge.

I almost forget the rule of thumb that many kids take to heart on April Twentieth--volunteering! I am moving into the aisle between male and female when Prick shoots me a look, with bloodred eyes shooting daggers into me.

She cannot take this opportunity away from me, even though I would have volunteered in anybody else's place any day. I step up and shove her hard into the ground on her stomach, placing my foot on her back to keep her down, because she is whining and cursing me in Latin or some other weird scary language.

"I volunteer!" I yelp, feeling relief as Peppy Drink-It, who is fining her nails and chewing on some bubblegum spares a second to look at me now and spectate the action. At this moment Prick has started to chew on my calf like it is beef, and I let her. She's gotta be angry and starving too.

That's when Peppy tiptoes down the steps in her high high heels and escorts me onstage, but Prick shrieks and tries to pull me back towards the crowd.

"Let go, little zombie!" I shout, kicking her away from me. When she still continues to pull on me, opening her mouth wide for another bite at my flesh I holler out to Dale and mouth: 'Can you help me?'

Dale pulls her from the ground and hikes her over his shoulder. Feeding her a human leg that was strapped to his back for some reason. She chews on it happily, probably pretending it's my leg.

Well, she has another year.

"Are you sure?" Peppy Drink-It begins to chew on a banana, winking at Dale as he calms Prick. "You must know this is a fight to the death with only one winner."

"Yes." I turn to the audience. "I am sure." Then all of a sudden I pull down my skirt. "Suck it, District Twelve. Suck it!" I laugh hysterically, but Peppy is not amused.

Peppy finishes the banana and offers me the peel. I humbly stuff it in my mouth, and swallow hard. It's much better than anything Prick could possibly feed me. "Kk." She then pulls out her smartphone and texts some guy named Cornhead Slow. "Uh..." she finishes texting then stuffs the phone somewhere in her hat. "What's your name?"

I grin happily. "My name is--!"

Dale hollers out at me from the audience, cupping both hands around his mouth to direct the sound directly towards the stage. "Her name is Kantkissme Neverclean she's my girlfriend!" He rips off his shirt, and written all over his body is 'GO KANTKISSME' in big print.

I shake my head again, not sure if that is real. "My name is KantMISS Neverclean," I say. "I don't know him."

Dale tilts his head in confusion. "Yeah you do."

I facepalm and dearly hope his name doesn't get drawn. Although killing him wouldn't be that bad in the long run. However Peppy Drink-It doesn't care enough to let me and his little argument break out, and she rushes over to the male jar. "Now for the gentlebutts." She pulls out a slip and opens it. "Peebo Melonhead."

Oh no, I think, a little annoyed now. Not him. Peebo Melonhead is my stalker, and I know he is. He follows me everywhere I go, taking pictures of me with his flash camera and drawing me behind my back. I know he's always watching me, but whenever I turn around when he's clearly there he hides in a trash can or something to try to fool me.

One day, when I traded Grease Cap all of my sister's clothes for some soup, he gave me a picture he drew of me. I gotta say he's talented. I have been called anorexic before (of course by Dale) and me being a stick figure pretty much sums me up. I crumpled it up though and threw it away. Dale is enough to deal with.

I think he made a fan club for me, where only a few boys in my school (of course including Dale) participate in. They're all creeps and have a shirt with my face on it, and I have to say it's a bit weird.

And how do I know that? Prick has her connections.

He jumps onstage excitedly, probably really happy to be with me. Peppy Drink-It raises her eyebrows and speaks into the mic: "Please shake hands, Peebo and Kantmiss."

Peebo then hugs me when I extend my hand. "Hi, Kantmiss," he mutters into my ear.

I pull away and then walk into the Just Bliss Building and am locked away in a room to say my goodbyes just in case I die or something like that.

My first visitor is, of course, Peebo. He hugs me and compliments me heavily, but he's ushered out before he can get handsy. I still smell the scent of moldy bread when he's gone, knowing he's probably always following me when I don't know it.

My mother and Prick come next, and my sister seems to have mellowed out a bit. Dale comes in behind them just to make sure. "Hey Kantkissme."

"I did it!" I shout at him, grinning in delight. "Yayayayayay!" I scream.

Prick shoots me a look. "You took it away from me! All of it! Gone! I was gonna party in the Big Boy and rub it all in your face!" She says.

"Go tell Butterfinger," I shoot back, almost bittersweet when Dale and my family is ushered out. My mother said nothing, as she emotionlessly walked out.

I wonder then, will they care enough to watch me kill people on live TV? It's only in two weeks, and I can tell anybody I'm excited, myself.