The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

26

The anthem booms and Caesar Salad is up on stage, telling the audience about the winners and how they'll be getting their groove on in a party nobody else in the districts can attend! That makes me special! Oh, and also Peebo.

They first introduce Pepsicola Drink-It, my escort. She gets a round of applause, and then comes Cinnabon and Porpoise. The latter makes porpoise noises as usual and the former gets a round of applause for setting me on fire all those times. "Yeah yeah," he mutters in response. The one that gets a big round is Haybail. He kept us alive, even if I did all the work myself. I'm the smart one here!

Then I am raised onstage, and Caesar greets us. And when I find my muffin man, I throw my arms around him and we totally make out on stage. It's super sloppy, but it's fun. Once we are pulled aside, Caesar tells the audience we will be watching the Games and questions will be answered as we go along. First comes the thirty minute portion of the pre-game ceremonies. Me and Peebo burning to death in a chariot, me burning to death in a dress, you know... all that jazz. Then comes the Games. Detailed coverage of the bloodbath. Then me burning to death again. Then Peebo with the Carers. The backpacker incident. I still remember that one backpacker telling me if my home ever got destroyed, my sister would die. Like, what the heck was that bet?! Anyways, Caesar stops after me burning to death. "How did it feel to burn alive in that forest?" He asks me first.
"It was all worth it," I say proudly. "I am experienced." I air high-five Cinnabon who sits in the audience.

After the backpacker scene, Caesar stops again. "What was it like when you got stung like three times?"

"Like I was on acid," I immediately tell him. "Or high. Like Mary Jane came to take me away into a land of exploding butterflies and tree volcanoes."

"Well, I can say you looked buzzed on TV," Caesar yells, and the audience goes berserk. "And I mean buzzed." Mr. Salad turns to Peebo, onto whom I am sitting on now. The candlelight at the top of my costume is surrounding me in flames, so Peebo pushes me offstage as I burn. The crowd goes wild. "So, Peebo, how is that new leg workin' out?"
I didn't notice it. I spring up and, to my horror, find that Peebo's leg has been replaced with a wooden peg that has two arms protruding from it and a face drawn onto it in sharpie. "New leg?!" I run to it and then fondle the wood, but one of the peg's arms slaps my hand away.
"Excuse me, miss," the leg shouts. "I didn't feel like getting touched like that."
I slap the peg. "The hell are you?!"
"Arrrgh!"
"Calm down!" Peebo interrupts. "Kantmiss, meet Peggy, my new leg. Peggy, say hi to Kantmiss. She's my girlfriend."
"No I'm not!" I shout.
Haybail seems to panic from the audience. Then I remember he told me I'd die or something if I didn't pull off that me and Peebo are...like...a thing. "Oh, wait, yes we are!" The audience lets out a sigh of relief.

Moving on from the consequence of Peebo's blood poisoning, we keep watching the Fun Games. How me and Peebo make out five times in the cave, how I grope him in my sleep, how Trash slam dunks Clymidia in the hoop on the Corn of Copycans, then Tainto runs over to Trash's base and messes him up. The fight mainly involves Tainto pummeling Trash with his grundle. Then comes the end with the pistols. Then we are announced winners.
"About those guns," Caesar starts, pausing the show. "Why did you threaten double suicide?"

"Because I couldn't think of a life without my muffin man." I clutch Peebo's hand, and the crowd sighs. "Anyways, doesn't this make me even more famous!" The crowd screams in delight.
"Peebo, anything to add?" asks Caesar.

"Um...ditto."
Then something really embarassing happens. My candle costume melts into wax around me, and then I am completely naked. Peebo is going berserk, blushing as he stares at me. Caesar has mixed reactions, but I am just focused on placing an arm over my boobs and privates cause...that would be super embarrassing.
Caesar Salad signs off and it's over. "Aww," I sigh, walking to my room. That sigh is me equally sad that the Fun Games are over, and equally angry that Cinnabon did this to me. Everybody in the audience was totally calling me a fatty.

Once I reach my room, I dress and head out, almost forgetting my cockingjay pin and Rudy's dogtags somebody left on my bed. I barely have time to say goodbye to Cinnabon before I am whisked away back on the train.

The thought of seeing Dale, my handsome best friend, makes my legs quiver. Maybe I will be able to return to my old life with him. Playing punch tag in the woods, laser tag but with arrows, and the slap game. He is so hooooot! I can't wait to see him.
"Are you excited to see your family?" Peebo asks me a little melancholically as we set sail for District Twelve.

"Um...excited to eat the cat," I say. "But Prick...eh."
"What're you going to do when you get back home?" He asks as we stare out the window. I can see District Two from here, with a giant earth erection--oh wait, that's a mountain just with a big base. Huh.
I look at him. "Gonna go play Bingo with the grannies at the Community Center and beat their wrinkly asses."

"Oh."

After a few hours of reading newspapers and popping pimples, we arrive at the train station at our stupid district. I see a bunch of ugly people in the square as we roll up to the Buttcrack. Obviously emaciated and starving. Their eyes go to my extra layer of fat in my belly, and they seem to want to eat it. So I avert my attention to the Hunk...Dale, with Prick clawing at me from his shoulders. I see in my absence a pair of small horns has begun to grow from her head. The cat, Butterfinger falls asleep, and Peebo kisses me goodbye.
And I watch the muffin man slip away from me.
-----------END OF BOOK ONE--------