The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

18

Marble dies before he can even roll over to pull out the spear. Bullets fill his spherical body, and the rest is history. I replace the mag and search around. "Rudy, are there more? Are there more?"

"No!" Rudy shouts sassily.
"Phew. Cause I am not dying today." I sit down next to Rudy and free her from the net. I examine the wound. "Wow that's hopeless."

Rudy gets angry. "I thought I would win and show up at that party and gorge myself and...and..." she begins to choke up as I shove my finger to her lips.

"Shut up," I mutter softly then point to myself. "This fatass is ready to gorge herself okay?"

I cradle her in my arms, feeling a little sentimental right now.
"You destroyed the food?" She whispers.
"Yeah." I pull out the spear and she cries out in pain. "Shhh. By the way, I know you stole my TV."

"I had to," she says. "After Tainto disappeared I couldn't see, so I watched some TV. Luckily, I finished my shows before now." She motions to her wound. "Y'know, before I die." She unclasps and removes her dogtags. "Take these. As a good luck charm. Because you gonna be crying your eyes out tonight."

I well up. "Yeah, probably."

She caresses my cheek. "You have to win, Katpiss."
"I know," I say, holding her hand to my cheek. Okay, now I'm actually emotional. "I probably will." A cannon fires and I look up. It's for Marble, who has stopped rolling. I place Betty 2.0 on the forest floor in a bed of clovers.
"Don't go!" She shrieks.
I hold my hands up in surrender. "I won't! Sheesh! Someone's sensitive."

"Sing," she orders me.
"Sing what?" I ask her.
"Anything." Rudy is staring into space right now, and she won't speak up.
"Speak up!" I yell at her.
"Anything!"
"Okay, mellow out." I try to think. "I don't know any gangster rap, but I know a song for my sister."

I give a small cough, swallow hard, and begin:
Deep in the meadow, under the willow A bed of nails, a sharp green knife
Lay down your head, and die already
And when your eyes open, they won't
Here it's dangerous, but here it's hot
Here people are hunting for you at every turn
Here you have nightmares, and tomorrow they'll become reality.
Here is the place where I love food

Rudy's eyes flutter shut, her chest moving but only slightly. "I wanted T-Taylor S-Swift to do it...." But I don't hear it and I sing louder, clutching my dear. Even getting up to dance over her corpse.

Deep in the meadow, hidden from your sights
Happiness, and more parties
You'll never reach it, so just lay
And when it's morning, you're dead.
Here it's dangerous, here it's hot
Here people want to kill you.

The last lines I'm rockin' out to this funky beat:

Here you have nightmares, and they will soon manifest into reality
Here is the place, where I love food.

The forest is still and quiet, and the cockingjays take up my song. "Cut it out!" I say and they disperse.

For a moment I sit there, my tears dripping onto her face. Rudy's cannon fires. I lean foward as if to kiss her but I just whisper: "Don't steal my TV, again."
I release her onto a bed of clovers and take Marble's pack, then I see some flowers. I pick them, in nice shades of red and more red, like blood! Then I frame her in the stuff and cover the ugly wound. I wreath her face, braid her hair and line it with flora.
She's all done! My art teacher would be so proud of my work! "Give me an A Mr. Stacker," I whisper, then look in Rudy's direction. "Bye, Rudy." I then press my middle finger to my lips and stick it out in her direction. Then I walk away without looking back.

Cockingjays get all over me and I bat them away, wanting to be left alone. "Dammit." I remember my TV is back in Rudy's direction so I retrieve it and then run back like nothing happened. "We don't have to worry about her now."
Oh now Imma make the other Partygoers pay for this death and emotional thorn in my side.

While thinking about how I'll kill Tainto, I grasp Betty 2.0 and walk over to find a silver parachute. Inside the box the parachute carries is a small loaf of bread shaped like a crescent moon. Peebo told me before the Games that it is District Eleven bread. Hey. A gift for a Partygoer from a different district. That's new. It was probably intended for Rudy, but now sent to me as a sort of thank you for looking out for her.

Anyways, I stuff the bread in my mouth and keep going.

I climb a tree and cry as I watch a Spanish soap opera. "Don't die Esmerelda! Why?!" Then the anthem plays. Marble's face shows up in the sky, then Rudy. That's all now. Six Partygoers remain. It's getting hea-ted! Six left. Six. Prick's favorite number for some reason.

Five people have to die and I'm off to the races.

Haybail sends me some ice cream and a spoon in a parachute and I gorge myself into the night, binging an entire two seasons of Rudy's show then falling asleep, the taste of chocolate and vanilla resting on my tongue.

Sometimes when bad things happen, something good will in a dream. Shooting crap in the woods with my Dad. Eating Butterfinger the cat. Tonight it sends me Rudy, teaching me some gangster rap. I have the handle of the song, then Marble rolls over and knocks her over like a bowling pin, and President Slow has thrown him at her. Manipulating us.
Oh daaaaamn. My dream just sent me a grand dose of truth.

Mess with us, and we mess with you. I flip the dog tag in my palm over and over in my hand, feeling lonely. Agh. After a few hours I force myself to follow out simple commands. "Now you have to sit up Kantmiss. Unplug the TV Kantmiss. Drink, Kantmiss. Sort the packs, Kantmiss."

Rudy's pack holds my sleeping bag for some reason, my slinky, some water, some nuts, a live rabbit, her extra hands, and a slingshot. Marble has some knives, a blowtorch, a slinky, and some beef jerky. I don't blame him. It's yummy.

Anyways, Rudy had like no food after she died so I have to go hunting now. I guess it works out for me in two ways. I need more food, and I also like to shoot crap when I get sad.

Anyways, I shoot three birds and roast them at the pit. "Boi, that shoe game is flip!" I say, my hand pointed at it. I turn to another bird. "Yo mamma so fat when she got her picture printed it took a year to print!" The birds practically cook themselves.

Where are you, Tainto? I think. I'm waiting to just split you in half by the grundle.

Where are the Carers anyways? Haven't they put two and two together yet that I'm the real threat here? They might think Trash from District Eleven is, because wouldn't he be more likely to avenge Rudy than me? Not that he ever really did much to show he cared for the girl.
One thought crosses my mind as I finish eating, packing up and heading out. I might really win. Peebo's good as dead, Foxyface is a smart furry but looks emaciated. Trash is in hiding. Tainto and Clymidia are the only real threats. Maybe Trash or Foxyface might kill them off and leave me with the easy job.

Anyways, I think upon my list of kills. Kimberly and fish girl from 4. And then my real kill, Marble. Yay.

No deaths today though. Boring. I sit up and then lay down, trying to sleep.
That's when Clogged Toiletsmith's voice rains down from above, and announces something to us Partygoers.
There has been a rule change. A rule change? I tap Betty 2.0, anxiously waiting for him to explain. Under the new rule, both Partygoers from the same district can go to the party if they are the last two alive, then repeats.

The news sinks in, and then I realize just as he calls my name from the west, Peebo is going to be all over me for the rest of my life, begging for me to marry him or some crap. Both of us can live.
Crap.