The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

24

Buttations. No question about it. These Butts are surely very feral, and are natural-born hunters. These puppies, however, snarl at you like humans, even bark at you like Butterfinger the cat...
One even has a large rack that makes me suspicious....
Tainto has made a beeline for the Corn of Copycans, or however he can because of his huge grundle. I mean up close when he's not trying to kill you that grundle is huge. I have even spotted a Kimberly boob hanging out down there. But I shudder. Even with ferocious Butts chasing after me, that taintalizing (ha get it??) grundle can easily make me quiver. More so than Cinnabon's intoxicating cinnamon scent. Maybe I can smell it again after this finale.
Anyways, Peebo and I are sprinting to the horn, where Tainto has collapsed on it. But the Butts are closing in around us, so Betty 2.0 makes sure to pop twenty caps in their butts. (Ha... get it...? Hehe, okay I'll leave.) Peebo congratulates me but I know I have to keep running. Once we reach the horn I jump up onto its metal surface and make my way up. Once I get up, I make sure to point my machine gun at Tainto but I hear a whimper.

The buttpuppies down below have stopped, and have enagaged in a chorus of whimpers. Peebo notices it too, as he stands with me twenty feet above them. For a second I think they're docile, so I replace the mag and aim Betty 2.0 at Tainto. But then the Butts have clawed hold of my boyfriend-- the muffin man. "No way, Jose!" I shout and shoot up the Butt that attacked him.

"No wait!" He yells. "That puppy was cute."
But as I examine the Butts trying to climb the horn, I realize they yip and back away, making a clearing for one of its own wolves. She's standing on her hind legs, with long curling blonde fur and emerald eyes, her seductive grin aimed at Peebo as she tries to clumb the horn. The Butt even has a set of plump and full boobs, and the whole thing hits me. The big boobs bigger than Dale claims mine are...it's Kimberly.
I shriek and Peebo asks me what's wrong. But I'm too preoccupied with trying to identify all of the Butts. The small one with the red coat and foxy face...Foxyface! She seems to coo in happiness, examining her body as if she adored it. Like a furry. Then the small boy with ashen hair and hazel eyes and smelled like muffins from District 9 whom which I struggled to get my backpack is reincarnated into a Butt, too. Worst of all, the smallest Butt, with dark fur, and a collar that reads Mess with us, and we mess with you. "Rudy..." i get out. "Peebo, they're all of the other Partygoers.... Rudy, Foxyface...all of them."

As we come to the realization, the Butts reassemble into two distinct groups on either side of the horn. Ready to kill me. "Ahahahahah!" I scream like a schoolgirl and run around like a mad woman. That's when Peebo is taken, and Betty 2.0 instinctually locks onto the taker--Tainto!

I point my gun, locked and loaded, at Tainto's overly large grundle. The only part that has no body armor.
But he just laughs. "Eradicate my grundle and your boyfriend goes down with me." Tainto has Peebo in a headlock, and I've reached a stalemate.

I don't want him to die, but at the same time what the heck. I shoot up Tainto's massive grundle, and Peebo pushes him down, barely staying on the horn as the boy from District 2 gets mauled in the taint-oh by the Butts. Kimberly seems very satisfied with it, as well as Rudy, who used to find the guy attractive.
They both fight over his grundle while the others chew at his torso and he's screaming for mercy. I just point at him and laugh. "Haha sucka!"
"Why don't they just kill him!" Peebo cries. "I hate hearing his noises!"

"You know why." We hug eachother warmly, and we both do know why. This is the final word in entertainment, right below Extreme Eating Competition on TBS, but still way up there!

"Kantmiss," Peebo whispers. "Do it now! Shoot him!"
"Okay," I say. "But what if I miss. I only have one mag left. With two bullets."

In response he pulls out a pistol from his back pocket, and I drop Betty 2.0 and grab it. "Where did you get this?"

"Stole it from your bag," he says.
"But I never---" I shake my head and climb to the lip of the Corn of Copycans and hang over the edge, shooting him dead.
Then the cannon fires, and the Butts disperse into the forest.
"We won," Peebo murmurs. "We did it."
"Woohoo! I'm gonna go party now!" I hold my hands in the air and wave them as if I just didn't care. Betty 2.0, my companion ever since Rudy rescued me from the menacing backpackers, I have to bid an adieu to. "Thank you for everything," I whisper to her.

"You're welcome."
"Betty? Betty you can speak?"
"What do you mean?"
I look up and see that the voice belongs to Peebo. "I'm not thanking you, deadweight."
After I have said that, Clogged Toiletsmith's voice booms into the arena. "Greetings to the final contestants of the Seventy-fourth Super Happy Fun Games! The earlier revision of the rules has been revoked. Only one winner allowed! Please kill eachother and have fun bye bye!" And just like that I pick up the pistol, only one bullet left, and point it at Peebo.

"Do it," he tells me. "Kill me and you win."
I frown and shake my head. After so many kisses, so many makeout sessions I can't shoot him. I drop the pistol. "I won't. I can't. You can't sacrifice yourself for me."

"Yes I can," he says. He takes the pistol out of his hand and holds it to his head.

"No!" I push the gun from his grip.
"Are you doing this cause you love me?" He asks, but I run to the horn and grab another pistol. Then once I return he begins to talk about how he loves me so much he would do anything for me because I mean everything to him blah blah blah.
Worst part is that I take it all to my cold heart.
"They have to have a victor," I say. "Without you I am not partying." I hold the pistol to my forehead, and he holds it to his.
"One."
"Two."
And before three Clogged Toiletsmith's voice booms into the arena, and I hear Peebo shoot himself and collapse on the ground. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present the Partiers of Big Boy! Kantmiss Neverclean, and Peebo Melonhead's corpse!"