The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

23

Every cell in my body just wants to ding dong this guy, but at the same time Prick is watching. So I pull away, almost crushing the fifty bagels behind us. "We better take it slow on the make out sesh," I mutter to him, stuffing my mouth with a bagel. "Don't want it to escalate too quickly."

I can almost hear an aww from Prick right about now. Dale must have broken his television set by this point too.
"Let's just eat." I start to spread some cream cheese on a bagel and Peebo does the same. Once I have cleared the pile of bagels and they all rest in my stomach, as Peebo has only eaten one, we scoot into the sleeping bag and snuggle, watching some cartoons and starting to get tired.
"So ever since we were five," I start, "you never noticed any other girls?"

"Nope," he says. "Only you." He kisses my nose. "Only you."
"I'm sure your parents would love you loving a girl from the Buttcrack," I murmur.
"Nope. Once we get home, you'll be a girl from the Big Boy Party!"

Oh yeah, the party. The thing I volunteered for. "But then our only party friend will be Haybail."

"Don't we move into special big houses after the Party?" I ask.
"Yep. And Haybail will be our neighbor!" He says.
"Oh god." I turn away and hear an exasperated sigh from Haybail from the Big Boy, watching down on us and slowly shaking his head.

"He hates me," I mutter.
"No he doesn't," he admits. "When he's sober, no."
"He never is!" I cry.
"That's right." He thinks for a moment. "But Cinnabon likes you."

"He set me on fire!" I cry, but then I remember his fresh cinnamon scent and dearly hope I smell it again. He has to be at the party, right?

"Yes." That's the only word from Peebo.

"How do you think Haybail won his Games?" I ask Peebo, and his answer makes me look stupid for asking.
"He outsmarted the others. Like Foxyface."
"Oh that furry scum will not outfox me my friend," I holler at him.

We drop the conversation at that. The anthem plays and Peebo steps out to watch. "There won't be anything to see tonight," I tell him. "Nothing has happened or we would have heard a cannon."
"Kantmiss," Peebo says quietly.
"Shall we sleep now?" I ask.
"Kantmiss," he repeats. He points to the sky. "Trash is dead."

Surprised, I crawl up to the cave entrance and see his face in the sky and know he saved me and now he's dead. With mixed feelings I shake my head as Peebo asks me what's wrong. "I just wanted him to win i we didn't. Because he saved me. And because of Rudy." I clutch her old dog tags. Mess with us, and we mess with you. I guess Tainto really took that to heart when he killed him. Mess with Clymidia, and Tainto messes with you.

"But only four left," he says happily and nudges my shoulder, but I feel so empty inside. I turn on Celebrities At Sea, and slowly drift off.
Four left....
We be partyin' like, tomorrow.
I kiss Peebo once I wake and a platter of spring rolls sits in my lap. I devour them all and kiss him again. More and more food piles up on my lap and I realize.
Today's theme is Chinese food!

I wake Peebo and we have a good morning feast, and eventually I am leading him out of the cave. On a walk by the river as he asks me for another bandaid, and once I plop it on him he's doing kartwheels and somersaults for days. "I suddenly feel super energized!" He screeches.
I laugh hysterically and prop Betty 2.0 on my lap just as Peebo finds some blueberries. "Yay, blueberries!" He says, and points to a large cluster of them in the foliage. He plucks many and makes a platter, but upon closer examination I have to shove them out of his hands. "No Peebs, those are berrybutt! You'll be dead in a minute."

"Uh oh," he mutters.
I tilt my head in confusion, but the cannon answers my question just as Foxyface's emaciated body is lifted into the  air.
"I fed her the berrybutt," he says guiltily.
I pull him into a tight embrace. "We'll be fine," I say. "That's one more step to the Party."
And Peebo knows I'm right. He helps me strap Betty 2.0 over my shoulders. "Now it's just us and Tainto."

I grin and pull out Marble's pouch that I got from his body, shoving some berrybutt into it. "Maybe Tainto likes berries, too."
"If he's chasing us or something and we drop the pouch..." Peebo has gone into a period of thought. "And he eats them...."
"Then hello Party."

I smile and we begin to trudge through the woods, making camp in a tree. After the anthem plays, showing Foxyface's foxy face in the sky, Peebo and I then fall into a deep sleep in the sleeping bag, high up in the tree. Once we wake at dawn, we have packed everything back up in the backpack, and we are traveling to higher ground. Then Peebo suddenly comes to a conclusion. "In order to face Tainto, they'll want us to go to the lake," he says, and I have to agree. We begin to trudge toward the lake, always alert. The slightest sound will make Betty 2.0 eradicate the aggressor. And if Tainto came crashing in, that would be no trouble.
"Two against one, should be a piece of cake," he says.
"Mm cake..." I murmur, daydreaming of the stuff.
"Fatass," he mutters and we get a good laugh in.

That's when we reach the site of the backpacker attack. The husk of the nest, beaten to a pulp by weathering and wind, reminds me of Kimberly. Backpackers. The hallucinations... i shake my head. "Let's move on and out of this place," I say. And we do. But once the sun starts to sink below the horizon, I feel we may have to wait yet another day before we can go to the Party.
Cockingjays sing Rudy's gangster rap tones in melodic notes, in turn for lyrics. It's almost beautfiul, until the notes become rigid and faulty, breaking off at certain parts all together.

On our feet, Peebo and I are poised to attack. Betty 2.0 is ready to shoot as Tainto smashes through the trees weaponless. I carelessly shoot bullets into him, but they fall aside in clunks.

"He has body armor!" Peebo cries.
I scream as he bears down on us, and I think he might kill us when he crashes between us. He is heading for the lake.
It is confirmed he is running from something when the creatures leap onto the forest floor and bark. "Puppy!" I squeak. Then, just as I reach over to pet it and it snarls--almost like a human would. And soon me and Peebo are stumbling after Tainto, hoping to save our butts.