The Hunger Pangs - A Parody

13

We have to stand on our metal plates for one whole minute, and my heart is racing. Cameras are fixed on all twenty-four tributes, equidistant from the Corn of Copycans, holding a bounty of supplies that will help us survive out here in the wilds. However I know the wilds. Dale taught me well.
I peer at the supplies strewn before me, and my eye catches on a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jelly, and a loaf of white bread about two yards in. I have to get it!
I begin to think upon Haybail's advice, expecting the bloodbath to come. Get as far away from the Corn of Copycans. Find water. Water is your first ever friend, congrats!
But then I see it! The steel curve of the mega barrel, the smooth cylinder of the bullet compartment. The copious ammo that surrounds it. Just ready to be locked and loaded, safety already off. My machine gun! But it's inside of teh horn, and I doubt I can fight twenty-three others to get my hands on it.
So I stick to the sandwich set, positioning myself to run. I am told back home that I am such a fatass I run slowly, but I think if I run as fast as I can, I can run in and pick up some stuff then run away before anyone can brutally murder eachother!
Ugh, I only see one machine gun in that pile, and I know I can't take it. My minute is almost up, and then I notice Peebo, five tributes to my right. He waves curtly and then the gong rings out and he's left running with everybody else toward the supplies, making goofy haha u lose faces at me. My feet shuffle around and I have missed my chance because Kimberly has already gotten to the machine gun and is shooting everybody up. I lunge forward and collect the sandwich set and cut myself on a sheet of plastic. But I get so upset about Peebo mocking me that I run in twenty yards to retrieve a giant orange backpack, but at the same time I grab it, some scrawny boy from District 9 grabs it too and we play tug of war for a while.
Not until he coughs, splattering my face with blood and falls onto the grass. One of Clymidia's knives are in his back, and I have the right of mind to run somewhere else.
I pass by Marble cutting the District 3 girl to death, and two Chinese tributes slamming eachother's heads into a crate and screaming at eachother in Chinese. Then I pass by Tainto slashing the boy from 4 with a sword and I almost stumble over two things.
It is a slinky next to a pistol on a small crate. It takes me like twenty seconds to come to a descision, but I grab the slinky and run for the woods.
What leaves me screaming like a little schoolgirl is Clymidia, coming after me and throwing a knife at me. That's when I duck and the knife lodges in some girl running away, so I steal the knife and keep running.

After a few hours I know Clymidia is gone, so I jog slowly and then stop at a tree with big branches. Feeling lonely, I hug it, and then climb it.
That's when the cannons start, and it startles me so much I fall on my back and tailbone on the ground with a crunch. I sit up and rub a hand over my lower back. "My ass..."

Eleven cannons are shot, and I know that means eleven people died at the bloodbath. Yay! I'm already in the pool of thirteen and even closer to being worthy. However I hope dearly that Peebo is one of the eleven. But I really wanted to show him how it feels to get shot by a machine gun. Eh, I'll find out tomorrow.
But what if I'm dead. I pinch myself and curse, blood trickling from the site. "Curse these sharp fingernails!" I whisper. Okay, so I'm not in some purgatory. Phew.
I'm really tired, because night is coming and I have slept like an insomniac for the past few days. But first I go through my pack. It's bright orange, basically glow in the dark at night. Anyone would camouflage it, but I'm too lazy.
Inside I find a dirty sleeping bag, some Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese, some Jack Links Beef Jerky, matches, wire, and a TV. Nice.
I try to find an outlet in my tree, and when I spot a flap in the bark I flip it and stick the TV in the tree, sitting on the ground, I watch some Family Feud and eat my jerky. After I start to get tired I shut it off and then climb my tree, hooking myself in. As I begin to doze off, the anthem of the Big Boy sounds and I see the faces of the dead tributes in the sky, not Partygoers, but tributes to sacrifice themselves for my victory.
The girl from District 3 is first, meaning all of the Caring Partygoers from Districts 1 and 2 have survived. Next comes the little boy from 4. The boy from 5, meaning Foxyface survived. Both from 6 and 7. The boy from 8. Both from 9. Then is the female from District 10.
Peebo survived. That idiotic lump survived! He'll be searching for me in hopes to cuddle with me. Oh I'm moving out of here by dawn.
I fall asleep on that thought, thinking of how Prick must be starving to death right now without me. My smile shows.

Snap! Snap! Snap! I wake with a start, and hear a band of photographers taking pictures of the girl from 8 starting a fire nearby. "Have to take your death photo, ma'am!" One photographer says in a bubbly tone.
She's such an idiot. That fire will attract people like birds to worms. Peebo to me. I fall back asleep soon enough, then after an hour a weird snoring sound awakens me. The girl is still at her fire awake, and I realize I was snoring. Dale always tells me what makes me ugly is my snore. That and a whole load of other stuff I forget.
But I am early for the show, as I hear some shuffling of feet behind the girl and Kimberly, Clymidia, and Tainto (the only people I can see in the dark) come up and trap her.
A silver parachute, signaling a gift for a Partygoer, alights next to me. I open it and find some popcorn. Movie theater popcorn. Yeah!
I begin to chew loudly and smack my lips when Kimberly stabs her with a sword. "Twelve down and twelve to go!" She shouts.
Aww. The show ended too early.

"We should clear out before the body starts stinking!" Shouts Tainto. "This girl already smells like a poop sundae."

Kimberly grins and pokes the girl with the sword. "I mean seriously, put on some perfume."

Two words. Screw. Her.

"We should burn her body so they can't take it back to her family," suggests Clymidia.
"Shouldn't we have heard the cannon by now?" The girl from district 4 enters the view with a spear.
"Shut your mouth, Fishstick," Marble comments, rolling next to Kimberly.

"Fishstick is right guys," Clymidia says.
"She might not be dead," Tainto agrees.
"She's dead. I very lightly poked her myself," Kimberly notes.
"Then where's the cannon?"
"Someone should finish the job."
"We don't want her to survive."
"I said she's dead!"
Then another Partygoer silences the others. "We're wasting time! I'll take the sword and finish her off myself."

I fall out of the tree. It's Peebo.