Stay

Drifting

Chapter 11: Drifting

I cannot wait to start a family with him; and there is no one else in the world who I would want to start a family with.

Or so I thought.

• • • • •

It's been several months since the miscarriage and we haven't had any success in getting pregnant again.

I know it takes time, they tells me it takes time. But how much damn time?

No one knows about the miscarriage. No one knows John and I are trying. I'm not sure I even want to know now.

John has become distant. I feel our relationship drifting. Yes, of course we are still trying to get pregnant. But it's all we seem to talk about. And every time the pregnancy test says 'negative,' it becomes more and more discouraging.

I want this more than anything, I truly do. But is now the right time for it? I don't know if I want to try anymore. I don't think I can try. It hurts too much when it doesn't happen for us. And the longer we try, the more unrealistic and illogical the idea of having a baby becomes.

Tonight John and I are going out to dinner. Maybe I'll talk to him about this. He looks as beaten down as I do.

• • • • •

"John, will you pass me the wine, please?"

I say as I lift up my wine glass to fill it.

John: "Wine? But Katy..."

"Really, John? I am not pregnant!"

It comes out a little louder and harsher than I wanted. I look around to make sure nobody heard then quiet my voice to speak again.

"There's nothing wrong with me having a few glasses of wine, honey. I'm not even pregnant right now...

And I don't know if I'll ever be."

John: "Kate, it's only been a few months. The doctor said that it could take some time and that it's perfectly normal. We just have to keep trying!"

"But - What if I don't want to anymore."

John: "What are you saying?"

"I'm tired, John!"

John: "Are you serious?"

I don't look up at him nor say anything.

John: "So that's it? We give it 5 months and we're done? What the hell, Katy?

He's getting angry. I would be too. We have both put so much heart in this idea - the idea of starting a family. We have even discussed getting married after we have the baby. The past few weeks we've been walking on thin ice, and I can feel it begin to crack beneath my feet.

"Not here, please. I don't want to fight here. Can't we just talk about it when we get home?"

John: "Ya. Fine."

We didn't speak throughout the remainder of our dinner. John paid the check and we rushed out, pass the flood of paparazzi, and headed home.

John slams the car door behind him and stomps into the house. I follow tentatively behind him. As I walk in the house, John already has his guitar pulled out, strumming away.

"Do you want to talk now?"

John: "I guess."

He says, not even glancing up from his guitar.

"Could you put the guitar down for a minute?"

He looks up at me with a firm stare, then sets down his guitar.

John: "I just don't understand, Katy. I thought this is what you wanted."

"It is! I mean, it was."

John: "Was? What does that even mean?"

"I don't know! I just, I don't know."

Not true. I do know. I just don't know how to explain it to John so that he will understand.

Becoming more unsettled, John stands up from the couch.

John: "Are you telling me you want to stop trying?"

"I just don't think it's the right time. I want this, I really do! Just not now. Before, I was just so upset with the miscarriage that I thought the only way to make it better was to get pregnant again."

John: "That wasn't just your loss. It affected me too. You're not the only one in this! You don't get to decide this!"

"I don't get to decide this? Are you kidding me!"

John: "I had my heart set on this, Katy. I can't believe you're just going to take it from me."

"I just don't think now is the time. My career has become very demanding and I want to tour next year. I can't do that with a baby! And I definitely can't if I'm pregnant."

John: "I can't believe this. I cannot believe you're just giving up on this. On a family. On us!"

"John! I am not giving up on us! We will start a family! Just not now!"

He sighs and brushes past me as he heads up the stairs to our bedroom, never lifting his head to make eye contact with me.

John: "I just need time to think about this."

"John!"

I plead as I hear him shut the door to the bedroom. I let out a loud groan and lay down on the couch.

Why doesn't he understand? He knows how important my career is to me! Hell, he's in the same business! I thought that's what would make him different. What would make us the same.

Why do I always have to pick between relationships and my career? Between starting a family and my career? Why?

These questions and more spin through my head as I slowly drift off and fall asleep.

A/N: I am SO sorry it has taken me so long to update. This chapter is short too. My apologizes. I'm almost finished with this story. There will probably only be one more chapter. Maybe two. I hope you have all enjoyed it so far! Feel free to leave comments! Thanks so much for reading!