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Chapter 10: Drink

No! Please no! This can't be happening! This can't be real...

Everything was fine! It was all going so well! How could this possibly have happened! I don't understand.

Dr. Morrison: "Please, Ms. Perry, I know this is hard to hear."

"No, stop! You're lying!"

I felt John's arms wrap around me. I grab onto his shirt and pull my head into his chest. I close my eyes tightly lean harder into his chest trying to make this all go away.

John's hand caresses through my hair and suddenly I realize that I'm sobbing, and my tears are soaking up his shirt. As he tries to soothe me, he begins to ask the doctor some questions.

John: "Doctor, how exactly did this happen?"

Dr. Morrison: "We don't know the direct cause, in most cases it's due to chromosomal defects. In this case, we just couldn't find your baby's heartbeat in the ultrasound."

"No! Please, no! Why!"

My voice cracks as a whimper out the last word. John shushes me and holds me in tighter. It doesn't cease my tears.

Dr. Morrison: "I am so sorry for the both of you. Katy, once we give your body time to recover, we can explore the cause of this miscarriage."

I manage to stop my tears and stand up, holding tightly to John's hand.

"No. No more. I can't. I'm done. John, let's go!"

John obeys and follows me out the door. He puts his arm around my shoulders and we quietly walk out to the car.

The entire ride home, I don't say a word and John doesn't push me to.

He mentions something about McDonald's, but I don't respond. I no longer feel hungry.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him looking at me with deep eyes of sorrow, but refuse to make eye contact with him. I hold my knees up to my body and close my eyes so tight it almost hurts.

Once I feel the car pull into the driveway, I yank the car door open and run inside, not waiting for John. When I step inside my house, my legs go weak and I can no longer move. John comes up from behind me and puts his arms around me. I immediately pull away.

I look into his eyes for a split second and can see that he's hurt, but the numbness inside of me doesn't care. My legs decide they want to walk again, but only to one spot. I make my way over to the kitchen and pull out one of John's nice bottles of Glenmorangie scotch that he was saving for a special occasion.

"Well, I guess I can drink this now!"

I pop open the bottle and take a large swig. The liquid burns my throat as it goes down, yet makes my pain feel a little lighter. John watches tentatively from around the corner.

"What, John?"

John: "Kate, honey, are you okay?"

"Am I okay? Am I okay?! What the hell do you think!? I just lost my baby! How the hell am I supposed to be!"

I feel my anger grow deeper and stronger as take a few more gulps of the scotch. I turn my back to John and he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Please go away, John."

I whisper to him as take yet another mouthful from the bottle. John doesn't listen and my aggravation begins to boil inside of me. The pain and despair in my soul turns into hatred after every drop of alcohol passes through my lips. Before I know it, my rage has overflown and I can't hold it in anymore.

"Go away! Leave me alone!"

I shout at the top of my lungs and spin around to push John's hand off of my shoulder. John takes a step back and I can see tears building in his eyes.

John: "Katy, please! I just..."

"I don't care! Go away! Let me be! I don't need you!"

A tear falls onto his cheek and he turns around and makes his way upstairs.

I lean against the fridge and slide my way down to the cold kitchen floor where I guzzle down more of the scalding liquid until my mind goes fuzzy and I black out.