Insight

Chapter Twenty One: Something is Wrong With Me

 I didn't sleep the rest of the night, staring at the slowly lightening ceiling, alternating between trying to figure out some reason as to how I dreamed of something that was actually happening and trying to not think about it altogether. Once I could tell that my cabinmates were starting to wake up, I gave up on trying to rest and decided to shower. I focused only on the feeling of the water hitting my skin and the sound of the muted conversations of my cabinmates getting dressed and ready to go get breakfast.

I had turned off the shower and was getting dressed when Moxy knocked on the door and hollered, "Hey, we're going down to the Dining Hall. Do you want me to get you anything?" I didn't respond, figuring she'd just go ahead with the others and grab me a coffee. It wasn't too out of the ordinary that I was too tired in the mornings to have a conversation.

But when I opened the door to the bathroom, Moxy was sitting on our bunk listening to music. She looked up and noticed me standing in the doorway. "Hey I told the others to grab us some coffees and I have a box of Cheerios in here if you want some." I shook my head and she looked closely at me. "Are you alright? You look like you didn't get much sleep." The concern on her face brought me crashing out of the numb state I had been in and I started sobbing.

"Oh my gods, uh, I don't know what to do. Uh, come- come sit down." she said, standing up and guiding me to sit down on her bunk. I didn't cry for long, but I cried hard, every emotion from the dream and finding out that the dream was a real thing hitting me at once. Moxy just kept an arm around me until I stopped crying, my inhales shuddering every once in awhile.

"What's up?" Moxy asked.

"Something's wrong with me." I stated bluntly, unsure of how or whether I even should tell her.

"Well I think I figured that much out myself." she said playfully, a patient smile on her face. We sat quietly for awhile, Moxy rubbing my back comfortingly, while I pondered whether or not to tell her.

Ultimately it occurred to me that I'd feel a bit better if I did tell her. "I had a bad dream."

"Uh, I mean maybe I've had a relatively easy life and a half, but dreams don't usually cause people to cry like that."

"It was real."

"Like, realistic?"

"No, like, I woke up and I had dreamed of someone else's experience." I was slowly returning to a numb state, and I could feel my body curling in on itself, shying away from Moxy's attempts at comforting me.

"I'm not sure I follow." I could hear the genuine confusion and concern in her voice.

"A girl tried to escape the camp last night and got injured. And I dreamed the entire thing."

"So, you dreamed that someone tried to escape? But how is that a nightmare? And I don't think anyone has tried to escape, so your dream couldn't be real."

"No, you don't understand. I dreamed that I was her and she was so scared and she went through so much to get out of the camp and she hurt herself getting over the fence and then fell out of a tree."

Moxy very obviously didn't understand or even seem to believe me. But she didn't say anything. And in a way, that frustrated me even more.

"There's a girl here, who is probably only a cabin or two over, who tried to escape and was really scared and got really hurt. Her name is Sealene and I was in her mind." And as I said it, I knew it was true. I had unconsciously been in someone else's mind. And it hit me that the fear she felt was mine and the desire to leave was also my own. I wondered if I had been controlling her and as it settled on me, I grew terrified. Of that dream, but more than that, of myself. "Oh gods something is really wrong with me."