Dirtyhands

One

Authors Note:

Sorry for the kinda horrible characterization and any spelling/ grammar errors. I haven't edited it yet.

Kaz sits at his desk and attempts to fill out paperwork but only one thought is on his mind. The person that he trusted the most, the person that he thought he could be better for, left. Inej left. At first, he had been relieved that she was gone. He had seen her as a distraction of sorts but now he misses her.

His thoughts are cut short by someone growling, "Let me in you ass!" from outside. Whoever it was pushing his way through the door. It's Per Haskell. "Brekker you've had your fun but now it's time to stop screwing around!" He snarls as two members of the dregs try to pull him out of Kaz's office.

"The Dregs are mine and will take them back from you. Then I will watch you burn. I helped you once. Gave you a home and a family and I can take that all away." Haskell promises.

"Good luck with that," Kaz mutters under his breath. "If he tries to get back in here dispose of him. This is your last warning Haskell. I've been patient and showed you mercy but those aren't my strong points so I strongly suggest that you leave the barrel for good." Kas says to Haskell in a calm voice as he returns his attention to the papers on his desk.

"I'll get my revenge Brekker. Mark my words." Haskell hisses as he pulls away from the dregs and walks out of the door and into the street.

Kaz glances at the remaining member of the dregs and nods towards the door. The member leaves and Kaz is alone yet again with his thoughts. His mind slowly wanders to Matthias. He didn't deserve his fate and Kaz blames himself for it. He can't help but think that it's his fault. Even though Kaz would never admit it he considered Matthias to be his friend or as close to one as someone can be to Kaz.

Then his thoughts turned to Pekka Rollins. He is still somewhere out there. Probably plotting something or maybe he is planning to stay away from Ketterdam. Kaz still has a thirst for revenge when it comes down to Rollins and hopes that someday he will return just so Kaz can rip his heart out of his chest.

"Brick by brick." He thinks as he looks over the list of new recruits for the dregs. He had been telling himself that for years now, but for the first time it feels like Rollins is started to crumble. He only has to remove a few more calculated pieces before Pekka falls. Kaz's lips slowly curl into a dazed smirk. It's his notorious scheme face, but that devilish grin slowly fades away as thoughts of Inej consume his mind.

He slowly stands up, grunting softly due to the pain in his leg. He grabs his cane and makes his way down the stairs of the crows club. The place is packed with people and Kaz can't help but shake his heads at these unsuspecting victims. He sighs and knows that his pockets will be full of their kruge tomorrow as he walks out of the front door.

Kaz limps down the familiar streets of the barrel. Most people would be on edge if they were to walk down these streets alone and at night, but to Kaz, these streets are his home. He walks out of the slat and keeps going. He doesn't know where he is heading. He doesn't have a destination. He needs to clear his head so he keeps walking until he arrives at the harbor. He sits on the wall and watches the water. This was the place where he said goodbye to Inej.

Flashback

"This isn't the end Kaz. I'll see you again." Inej says softly and looks up at him. Kaz frowns and nods slowly. His life has been pretty hectic and she was a constant throughout the years. She was his anchor and she kept him grounded. Now she's leaving. "Try your best to not murder everyone who mildly annoys you," Inej says softly and offers him a sad smile.

"I'm not going to make a promise that I can't keep," Kaz says and Inej chuckles softly.

"I'm going to miss you Kaz Brekker and I know that you are going to miss me too. Even if you'll never admit it." Inej says and stands on her toes so she can kiss his cheek. He flinches slightly when she touches him. He feels his cheek almost burn due to the skin on skin contact. "Goodbye, Kaz." She says, sadly and starts to walk away.

"Inej..." Kaz calls after her. She turns around. He wants to tell her everything. He wants to tell her that he loves her but the words don't come out. Part of him won't let them come out. "Goodbye, wraith." He says quietly.

Inej nods and gets on to her ship. She sails away. Kaz feels like part of him is leaving with her. Kaz stays on the harbor as she fades away. He stays until he can't even see her ship anymore. The bright blue sky turned dark before he returns to the barrel.

Once he arrives at the slat he just walks up to his bedroom. He ignores the dregs calls and Jespers questions as he ascends the stairs. He removes his black gloves and puts them on the nightstand before laying down on his bed. He feels like something is missing. Like someone is missing. "If only I could beat my feelings to death." He thinks and stares up at the ceiling blankly.

End of flashback

Kaz runs a gloved hand through his hair and gets up. The sound of the water crashing against the rocks is started to make him feel sick due to memories that he would rather forget. He starts to limp back to the slat. He still feels like something is missing, but now the pain of her absence has turned into a dull throbbing sensation. It's like his leg. At first, the pain was unimaginable but after a while, he got used to it. However, it never went away. He made his way up to his room and sits at his desk. Kaz reached over and grabs a bottle of Kvas. He takes a swing and feels the liquid burn as it goes down his throat. He has been drinking a lot more since Inej left. It helps him numb the pain. He has painkillers for his leg so why not have a painkiller for his heart?

He drinks until the pain becomes less intense. Whiskey became one of his only friends. It was the type of friend that he never really wanted but he didn't know how to get rid of it. It had gotten to the point where it would hurt too much to give it up because if he did then he would need to accept the fact that Inej was gone and she might not come back.