Dirtyhands

eighteen

Kaz is starting to grow restless. He hasn't fully recovered yet, but he can't stay in Van Eck's manor and do nothing anymore.

His cane bounces up and down. He has been looking over maps of the city for hours now, figuring out where Van Eck and Haskell may be.

His mind calculates the most likely hideaways. At least now he will have an idea as to where he should start.

He shakes his head and heads towards the bed. He has been up for the last twenty-four hours and the painkillers are starting to wear him down.

Kaz lays back and winces when the bed touches his still sore back. He closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind, of course, it doesn't work. It never does.

He clenches his jaw and forces his eyes to stay closed. Sleep will come. Eventually.

Kaz lays there for what seems like an eternity. He can see the light shift from beneath his eyelids and he starts to drift into sleep.

That's when the nightmares start. They aren't his normal dreams of Jordie or Inej. These are of the contact. The burning feeling of someone else's touch.

He isn't dreaming of a person in particular. Just the feeling and the emotions that come along with his fear. The hopelessness and the weakness.

A low whimper escapes his lips as he sleeps. In his phantasm, he can see a hand dragging itself against his arm. The flesh melts off of his bones where they had touched him.

He couldn't move or fight. That's when his eyes open and he sits up. He ignores the pain as he scrambles for the window and empties his stomach.

Dread, pain, and fear well up inside of him. He had transformed every single one of his weaknesses into a strength, except for this one. This is the one that he can't beat.

This has overcome him and made him suffer for years on end but he never learned to get used to it.

His body shakes as he slumps into a chair.

"Kaz?" He hears a soft voice behind him. He doesn't need to turn to know who it is.

"Wraith." He breathes.

Inej walks up to face him and sits down on the window sill. She doesn't try to press the issue and for that Kaz is grateful.

They sit in comfortable silence. It's almost like when they had first started to work together. They would sit quietly and Kaz would just take in her presence.

Kaz adjusts his sleeves so that they cover a sliver of his wrist that had been exposed previously.

Inej looks out the window and watches some crows fly in the sky.

Kaz lets his eyes study her face. It hasn't changed. She has the same large brown eyes and the same slim face. It's all so familiar.

He couldn't believe how much he loved the small things. How her lips would tilt upwards whenever a crow flew close by or how her eyes would flash when the sun hit them right.

He forces himself to look away. He can't do this anymore. He can't constantly feel his heart flutter when she enters a room or feels like every ounce of light had been stolen from him when she leaves.

He knows that she won't stay. So why let himself go farther down this twisting road, where one moment he would be in the light and the other he would be plunged into darkness. No. He would not let himself keep going.

Yet he couldn't find the will to ask Inej to leave. His traitorous limps wouldn't carry him away and his heart still pounded in his chest when he looked at her.

It was like he no longer had control of his heart because it wasn't his. It was hers and he had willingly handed it over. She had unknowingly made Kaz into one of those helpless and lovesick fools that he had always despised.

He looks down at the crow's head cane and felt the anxiety of love take over. Thoughts of if she feels the same way go through his mind along with the fear of removing his armor.

Kaz remembers what she had told him.

'I will have you without your armor Kaz Brekker. Or I won't have you at all.'

He lets out a slow sigh. "Did you mean what you said?" Kaz rasps.

"What do you mean?" Inej asks and looks over at Kaz.

"When you said that you would have me without my armor or not at all," Kaz says quietly, already feeling panic well up inside of his stomach.

"Every word," Inej whispers back.

Kaz finally looks up from his cane. His eyes are flooded with worry. Inej slowly approaches him and takes a seat next to him.

She slowly reaches over to take his hand but Kaz flinches away. He couldn't help it. He knew that the moment he felt the burning sensation that he would do something that he would regret.

Inej's face falls and she pulls away. "Goodnight Kaz." She whispers and gets up. She has a feeling that he isn't quite ready yet and she is willing to respect that.

Kaz watches Inej leave the room and his heart starts to pound again. If only he could have stayed still and insured the pain for her. Then she would still be here.

Instead, he had allowed his weakness to dictate his actions yet again. He feels a sinking feeling in his chest and knows that it's shame.

He couldn't pull himself together for her and he hated it. He hated how he didn't have any control over his emotions anymore. He was controlled by fear and love. The two worst emotions in the world.