Waiting for You // Phan

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Dan's POV

Dan held the door handle to keep himself from falling. He thought Phil was still outside, so Dan slid the lock on the door quietly, and backed away.

He ran his hands through his hair. His heart was racing, and he felt lightheaded. Dan started to shake uncontrollably and began to cry.

I can't breathe. Phil's here. Why is he here? Is he going to hurt me again? I can't breathe. I need help. Phil can help. I want him to help. I can't breathe.

Dan fell forwards and smacked his hands onto the door. He wanted to open it, he wanted Phil to hold him, to hug him, and to help him. But the door wasn't moving. Dan pulled on the handle frantically and screamed but still it refuse to open.

Desperately he flung out his hand to reach for the lock but missed, and his hands were shaking so badly he doubted he could unlock it anyway. His fingers scraped uselessly down the door, and Dan completely snapped.

"Phil!" He screamed, his face wet with tears. "Phil! Help me! I can't breathe! Phil!" Dan's pupils dilated, he inhaled sharply, and began to scream again. For help, for Phil, for things he didn't know.

But Phil had left already, and wasn't there to hear Dan's screams. So Dan continued to cry until no more tears would come, scream until his throat was sore, and come to the conclusion that Phil had abandoned him, again. And all the high-running emotions completely abandoned him, leaving him a distraught and empty shell.

Dan sat on the floor again with his knees hugged to his chest, just like he had before Phil had come, as if nothing had happened.

He just rocked back and forth, wishing that his pain would just end. Why did he have to fall for someone who didn't love him back?

Breathe. In, out, don't think about Phil, in, out.

Dan wished that his nightmare would come true. That he would be incapable of loving anyone. Surely it would make his life easier, wouldn't it? If he could finally let Phil go? He was certain he would endure less pain if he did.

In, out, in, out.

How did Phil get here, anyway? PJ wouldn't have told him how to, because Dan knew PJ would never betray him like that. But who else could Phil speak to that knew where he lived? Was he going to come here all the time?

In. Out.

It made Dan's head hurt, so he stopped thinking about it. At least he had managed to get Phil away before he had completely lost control like that. He didn't think he could live with himself if Phil saw Dan like that.

In, out. I love Phil Lester. I hate Phil Lester. In, out. Just breathe.

But however much Dan had wanted to scream at Phil and tell him to go away, hadn't he wanted Phil to hold him and to be with him in his time of crisis?

I can't stop. No matter what he does, no matter how hard I try, I still love him.

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Phil's POV

Phil sat a little way from Dan's apartment on a worn wooden bench. He held his head in his hands.

Well I screwed that up. That seems to be all I can do lately. Go me.

Phil bit his lip. He had really, really wanted to be able to apologize properly and get Dan to forgive him, but apparently the damage he had done was irreversible.

There was no point trying to head back to the station. Phil didn't think he could bring himself to leave Dan anymore than he already had anyway. And there would probably be no train.