deceptive facade

Shadows

I was preparing a bag for Isha for our visit to hospital.

Isha: I wan to hab ugut?

She is never able to say yogurt correctly but her ugut is all the more cute and adorable.

Su: Ok sweetie, if you'll not be naughty then I'll buy some on the way to hospital.

Isha: Esa,,,,, gud babe........ Ugut pees!!!!!!!

Laughing at her, I held her hand and took her out of our front door and started walking towards the elevator of our apartment block. Its then I saw Jatin, I can't retrace my steps. He saw me approaching elevator.

He is following me for ages. Ever since the news that Sam is terminally ill has become public, he thought that by giving me a shoulder to cry on, he can move ahead with me.

He even once mentioned that as Sam is not going to be around. It'll be better if I move in with some good caring guy. How can someone be so heartless? I fail to understand. My answer was clear that I don't need a guy to mop up and I am capable of doing it on my own. In spite of this he is always hopeful and leaves sexual innuendoes every now and then. Well he can go to hell from my side and can use his devilish charm on some naïve and nubile lass.

Jatin: Where you pretty ladies are heading to?

Su: Not to your funeral. As I can see you are hale and hearty and very much alive.

Jatin: Nice joke; you have such a cute sense of humour.

Su: Well, I can very well wipe my floor with you and you'll just like it as long as you have a hope that I'll lift my skirt for you.

Jatin: A man can always hope. Anything for you baby.

Su: Do you even have spine.......on a second thought............ Don't answer; I know your lot is very malleable.

Jatin: As malleable as you'll want me to be.

Su: well, that's one thing that put me off in a guy. They should know how to control my fire. By being malleable you can't deal with my requirements. Do yourself a favour and find someone else more suitable for your honeyed words. Don't waste your and my time.

Just then lift door opened and I was saved from his disgusting company. I marched ahead towards parking without looking back. Useless bas*****.

Thinking on those lines I completely forgot my promise to Isha. And just in time, stopped and saved 10km of extra journey for market.

In Delhi you miss a turn and then have to drive several miles for just a U-turn.

I purchased a few pots of Isha's favourite flavours of yogurt.

I very much hope that Sam is in less pain today and we can at least have some time together. He'll be happy to see Isha, and it'll make his day.

How he use to welcome excuse when Vinu used to leave her with us. I have not seen him laugh for weeks now. His laugh can fill any gloom with all colours of rainbow. Seeing him, just vanishing in front of my eyes is so painful but I don't have luxury of feeling these things as I am not allowed these moments of weakness.I can't let sam down. I have to be strong for him and let him see myself coping with all this without any stress and strain. while driving to hospital I was preparing myself to deal with what lays ahead.

Now days, he is constantly worried about me. I told him endless time that I am one tough nut but he knows me better than anyone. Seeing his face in shadows because of me towards the twilight of his life is not acceptable to me. I'll do anything to bring him out of these shadows. He deserves one last happiness before he is lost in thin air leaving no trace behind, except for a name.

Car behind me gave a sharp honk and I realized signal has turned green.

I reached hospital with only one thing in mind that I will definitely make him smile today. We took elevator for his floor. One the way we were greeted by on floor matron who has become Isha's new fan. At the end of corridor I saw nurse on duty entering his room. I asked matron how Sam is keeping. She just gave me a sad smile and curtly replied 'as good he can be'; well what else can somebody say. I thanked her and started walking towards his room with Isha skipping by my side.

I opened his room with a huge smile. As soon as I stepped inside, I saw Sid my smile froze in its place. For past seven years we have not seen any of Sam's or mine family. Though we live in same city we made sure that mine and Sam's path never collides with theirs.

The first thing that came to my mind is how Sid knows where to find Sam, or is it Sam's doing. I know he missed Sid a lot but never openly spoke about it. He knows how even now it hurts me. I always felt as if I am between his family and him. Once I even mentioned to him that he can leave me and go back to them.

Sam: I am not here just because I feel responsible for you, but I am here because that's the best I can do.

Su: I have moved ahead. I have a business and identity which no one can take from me. I have my reputation and no one can b******t me now. You don't have to do anything for me.

Sam: you know what actually make me very angry is that as if I was living with people with multiple personalities. They have a different persona for family and something else for others.

Su: we all wear mask Sam. Some agree this fact others don't.

Sam: it's not a mask actually it's like they are blind to miseries of others and become defenders if they do it. I couldn't tolerate it. There, I will hide behind the image of Sam they like. It definitely would have spoiled few lives.

Su: you are such a generous person. You can never hurt another person.

Sam: with you here, I have nothing to hide. You don't judge me or question me for person I am. They never would have understood me. For that reason only, they would pressurize me to build a wall so as to protect my true self. This definitely, over a period of time would have made me bitter.

Su: you never gave them opportunity. Maybe they would have accepted you.

Sam: Really; then they would have supported you.

Su: that's different Sam. You are family; in your case things would have been different.

Sam: how? By forcing me deny my true self or hiding me?

Su: but until and unless you try. You will never know for sure.

Sam: is it wise to know effect of dope you first have to try it. Don't you think other's example will also shed some light? I have no desire to torture myself to know what pain is.

Su: I feel as if I am between you and your family.

Sam: you were never there. It was always their orthodoxy and bigoted thought process. Don't blame yourself. And no more on this subject.

That's how that chapter was closed and I never came to know more on it. But Sam called Sid; perhaps he had a change of heart. He has little time left.

Cancer has depleted Sam so much that Sid, who is a year older, looks young as compared to Sam. Why Sam is suffering? this question haunts me always.

As soon as I entered both of them turned towards the door. Sam's eyes were filled with genuine love and Sid's with hatred for me. They both always use to remind me of twiddle Dee and twiddle Dum in 'Alice in wonderland'. But over the years I realized that similarity is only superficial and not beyond.

I composed myself and moved further ahead in the room. It's been 7yrs since I last saw Sid. I don't know what to say. His disgust for me is clearly there on his face.

If he is disgusted then so am I, bloody pig.