Fix You... ( Larry Stylinson)

7

Guys!!! I got engaged!

Okay let's get on with the story.

2014

I hold him close to my body, he's sleeping soundly in my arms and I can't stop looking at his relaxed face. The way his eyelids are moving a little from the way his eyes are flickering around under them.

He looks so beautiful.

His curls are falling in to his face when he is moving around a little, so I do the only thing I know, I reach out and gently move them out of his face. My beautiful boy.

I feel such a strong pain in my chest because I know it needs to end, I can't get too attached because it won't end up good. I need to break him, I can't be with him for much longer.

I can feel the three words always on the way out of my mouth and I'm scared I might not be able to stop them when they try to slip out again.

I look up in to the roof because I can't keep looking at him, I can't keep my eyes on him because I can feel the burning sensation in my chest growing. I need out... and that's now.

I can't lay here beside him anymore it's slowly killing me in all the wrong ways, he is not allowed to get inside. He isn't allowed to hurt me like she did.

I made a promise to never let anyone in again and I need to keep that promise, I need to stay true to me. I can't lose myself for a stupid curly haired boy with beautiful green eyes.

I move away from Harry and the sound he makes when he is left alone in the bed is just adorable. I just want to get back beside him, but I can't... not now.

I take my pack of cigarettes from my bedside table and the vodka bottle from my desk and walks out of the room.

I walk though the empty house, I don't even need to be able to see where I'm walking because I know this house like the back of my hand. I know this house just like I know every single spot of Harry's body, I got the spots he loves to be touched at memorised in my head.

The sounds he makes are there too... always there reminding me of him.

I open the door to the backyard and walk out in to the cold air... winter.

The snow is laying like a layer of white all over the ground, it just started snowing this afternoon and hasn't stop sense then.

The only light that's out here is from my neighbours window and the stars.

I light a cigarette and just breathe in deadly smoke, it's warming my whole body up out here in the cold.

I probably will regret going out in the snow in only underwear but I just needed to get out. I can't be in the same room as him. He is doing things to me and I can't allow that to happen... never again.

I smoke the cigarette before I return in to get my phone... I sit down on one of the snow covered chairs... I can feel the snow melting to water...

It's slowly making my underwear wet and cold, but I don't move I just sit there and light another cigarette.

I unlock my phone and the first thing that comes up is a picture of Harry's beautiful face, he looks so happy like he doesn't have a worry in the world.

I open the flask of vodka and take a deep gulp out of it. I have a feeling that I will be needing a lot of alcohol tonight.

I need to come up with something... something so bad that no matter how it goes he won't want me anymore. Something that scares him off but doesn't kill him.

I can't kill him... anyone else yes but not him.

I wish I could... I wish I was strong enough to do it because then I wouldn't have to have these problems.

I wish I was strong enough to take a step and just put him down forever...

But I can't.

I take another full of the vodka and keep scrolling though my phone looking at pictures of the innocent boy who got involved with me without knowing what he went in to.

I finish my cigarette and about 5 more before I decide to bring my drinking inside.

I stumble in to the living room, the before full flask is now half empty.

I take another gulp before putting it down on the living room table. I stumble back to my bedroom where Harry is still sleeping soundly.

I could easily just take the pillow and suffocating him but I don't.

I just lay down beside him and look at his sleeping figure curling back up to me like I never been gone. Like I'm not ice cold from being outside for a good hour or so.

I just lay there looking and feeling lost.

How the hell am I'm I supposed to get rid of him without breaking myself when I do it?

2016

His lips are softer than I remembered, his clothes are suddenly too much. I just want to pull them all off right here in this parking lot.

But I can't because we're in public.

I push him up against my car trying to get as close as I can, this might be the last time I will be able to kiss him like this.

I'm so scared he will come to his senses and realise what he is doing. I'm scared he will realise everything I've done and figure out that he doesn't want this.

It's only a kiss... okay a make out... but it's 2 years of frustration build up in it. 2 years of needing it.

I am not ready to stop kissing him yet... but when he pulls away from me I realise I have nothing to say about it.

The ball is in his hands... I said what I wanted or more like needed and now it's all up to him...

I'm out there vulnerable... for the first time in a long time.