You Will Be Found || dear evan hansen (connor x evan)

chapter five

     Evan awoke the next morning to a stone lodged in his chest. He tried to get up, but the stone weighed him down into the ground. It was almost as if the world was closing in on him, removing all the color from the skies and replacing it with different shades of grey. He blinks his eyes shut, hoping that when they open again everything will be normal. He will start to feel and touch and be able to smile without feeling like he's wearing a face that isn't his. 

     Regardless, Heidi forced him to go to school. Evan was missing enough school as it was, and rough mornings happen all the time outside of school. She figured that since Evan was in his Senior year, he should know how the real world works. You can't call in sick every day and still expect to have a job afterwards.

     Evan watched as his mom drove away, her smile peeking out from the rearview mirror. He looked over to the entrance, hating every second and it hadn't even started yet. What am I going to do?  

     Everyone probably knew about Evan's appointment at the therapist's office; I mean what did he expect? That suddenly his entire life would transform like magic and he wouldn't be the weird kid anymore? Stupid. He struggled to breathe; reaching for air that somehow never made it to his lungs but rather climbed half way and turned around. He inhaled harshly, trying to find his breath but it was running far too fast for him to ever catch up. The lights in the hallway grew dimmer, all the voices around him grew louder and more muffled by the second. He felt the whole world flip upside down, trying to hold onto whatever he could so he wouldn't fall over. The air started getting warmer, and he felt his body temperature rise with it.

     "Evan?" a distorted voice called from somewhere. Evan couldn't tell if it was in his head or if there was someone actually calling his name. "Evan Hansen?"

     Evan looked up with teary eyes to find a lone Connor Murphy, crouched down right in front of him. His eyes darted across Connor's face as if he would never see it again. He absorbed every freckle, every twinkle of his eyes, every quiver of his pink lips, every single word as if it meant more than life itself. 

      "S-Sorry. Was I-Did I-Oh god. I'm being weird again, aren't I? I should've never came here I should've turned right around when my mom left god I made such a fool of myself! Why do I even try? I should go home. I should go home right now I don't wanna be here anymore-" Evan felt a warm body against his, then fingers wiping tears he didn't know he cried from his freckled cheeks. He couldn't see or think straight; he couldn't focus his eyes and so everything he looked at was slow and blurred. The corners of his eyes stung with cracked, tear-stained skin from the abundance of drying tears falling down his face. 

     "It's alright. Shhhh," Connor mumbled against Evan's striped polo, collapsing into his shaking body like his life depended on it. 

     "I'm s-sorry I'm crying again. I don't even really know why," Evan sniffed.

      "It's okay. What if we skipped the rest of the day? I'd love to take you somewhere," they pulled away, smiling at each other. Evan wiped the salty drops from his skin, stifling a giggle as their fingers intertwined. They hid in the bathroom until lunch, where everyone was allowed to leave freely. Evan followed Connor timidly as they walked to his car, an unknown feeling filling his heaving chest as he recovered from the walk over. It wasn't far, it's just that it's a lot harder when you can't breathe. The whole way to there Evan found himself staring out the open window at all the things he hadn't noticed before. Like the rusty swing sets in the middle of the open field on Abrams street, and the family farms with living room sized chicken coops. He saw flocks of birds drifting through open meadows and feral cats pouncing across swaying tree branches. He saw quiet streams with tiny paw prints; it was like he had entered a whole different world.

     "We're here," Connor said, stopping the car. Evan waited for him to get out first, afraid of being ditched but somehow feeling oddly safe in the presence of Connor. He looked around, finding himself surrounded by nothing but a field of yellow tulips in a meadow framed with trees. The sun scattered shadows through the dry grass as they walked, birds singing into the crisp morning air. Evan was speechless.

     "It's... beautiful," he whispered, looking up at the canopy of trees he never knew existed in the area. Connor sat with his back against an old oak tree, looking out into the mountains in the distance. Evan sat next to him, a comfortable silence between them that for once, Evan felt he didn't need to break. He slowly found his eyes growing heavier, leaning to his left where a grinning Connor sat. He glanced at Evan, who's head rested soundly on his shoulder. Connor felt peace for the first time in his life. No screaming, no crying, no blasting music... just peaceful bird coos, whistling leaves and the shell of a broken boy resting against him. He was tired of running, tired of trying to escape everything that he was. In that moment, for the first time, Connor accepted it.