You Will Be Found || dear evan hansen (connor x evan)

chapter eighteen

      It was lunch now and Connor was no where to be seen. Evan didn't think much of it, however, because Connor is Connor and disappearing is just what he does.

     "Evan Hansen to the office please," the loudspeaker sang. All eyes darted to Evan, whose hands were shaking with anxiety. He wanted to scream at them, at all of them, just to tell them to stop looking. Afraid that if they stared hard enough, they'd see everything he'd spent so long trying to conceal. All of the flaws, all of the mistakes, all of the errors and the miscodings and the way he hated when the sun came in his window every morning. In that moment he wanted to disappear the way that Connor did.

     He arrived in the office and sat in a textured soft yet firm chair across from a man with a small frown on his face, otherwise expressionless. He was difficult to read and Evan despised him for it. 

     "Hello Evan. So I bet you're probably wondering why you're here right now," he spoke, twirling a ring around his finger. "You're dismissed from school early on account of personal emergency. Your mother should be here soon to pick you up. It's not my place to tell you why."

     "I don't understand," Evan whispered, billions upon billions of thoughts racing through his head; too fast to even understand what they were saying. He felt out of place even in his own mind.

     "You'll find out soon enough," the man said, ushering him out of his office and to the strange screechy clipboard with his name on it. Evan signed and walked out front to wait for his mother. Minutes seemed like hours and it was driving him insane. 

      A small white car pulled into the driveway of the school and Evan climbed in, trembling and anxious in the worst of ways. He didn't even bother saying hello. "Will someone please just tell me what's going on?" He practically yelled. Evan was sick of this passing of information; he just wanted to know the truth and he wanted it now. Heidi pulled off to the side of the road, parking and turning off the car. It was quiet for a minute before she spoke.

     "Connor's car was found yesterday," she bit her lip, afraid to look Evan in the eyes. "In a ditch," she choked back tears, running her soft hands down the steering wheel and gripping it tightly. "They said he was killed on impact. The airbags... they b-broke his neck." 

     Evan was silent, gripping the skin on his legs as if he didn't he'd fall into a never-ending abyss. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. Cry. Fight. Break something. Fall into a ditch himself. 

     Evan got out of the car and began to walk the rest of the way. Heidi broke down, sobbing into her hands that were now wet with her own tears and frustration. How dare something so terrible happen to a kid who only felt kindness? "D-Don't do anything stupid Evan. Please I need you. I need you," she cried, pulling away from the curb and trying to collect herself, idling beside her slowly moving son. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere okay? Dinner's at 6. You're gonna be okay right?" 

     Evan nodded slowly, gaze focused on the end of the sidewalk ahead. Heidi rolled up the window with tears in her eyes and sped off, wanting to give him space. She was trying. And she was terrified it would never be enough.

     all my fault