You Will Be Found || dear evan hansen (connor x evan)

chapter twelve

     It's hours later now. Heidi had to head back to work at the hospital on the other side of town because they were short on staff. It was only about a 2 hour job, but Heidi had no choice.

     "Hey, you got this right?" She said, placing a reassuring hand on Connor's shoulder. Connor just nodded; rubbing his red eyes and smiling sadly up at her. "I'll be back in 2 hours. Call me if he wakes up okay? I left my number on the table."

     She gave a gentle smile and turned to leave, paused, then turned back to Connor. "Thank you. If you hadn't answered Evan's calls... well I don't know what I would've done. I can't thank you enough." Connor just nodded and gave another half smile, afraid to look into her eyes in fear he might shatter right then and there. He felt his chest tighten as he inhaled, struggling to fight the urge to break down. 

     A brunette nurse with strong eyebrows emerged through the hallway into the waiting room. "Hansen?" she said, glancing up from her clipboard to the surrounding families. Connor jumped up with shaky hands and she led him to a room in the west wing. He thanked her quietly, eyes meeting the floor, still afraid to look up in fear of what he might see. Eventually though he found the courage; trailing his eyes up to see Evan, his Evan, hooked with wires to a billion beeping machines, all scary and loud with big monitors and jagged lines.

     His hand reached to cover his mouth. Tears stung his eyes as he found his way to the hospital bed. Connor couldn't help feeling as though it was his fault somehow, like maybe if he wouldn't have gone to bed so early then none of this would've happened. Of course it's Connor's fault. It's always Connor's fault. 

     He wanted to run. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to just disappear into thin air; to not even have been born. What scared him most however was the thought that followed that haunting feeling.

     What if I wanted this?

     What if, somehow, subconsciously, he was just sick of Evan's constant doubt in himself, sick of his innocent mind or the way his hands were always sweaty? What if he was tired of Evan's ticks and stupid habits or his complete lack of style? What if he was sick of always being asked, "Is this okay?" and having to judge his every move in case it was the wrong one? What if he was tired of Evan's rambling about trees or the way he crinkles his nose when he sleeps or the way he never knows what to do with his hands? What if he wanted this?

     Just then, a soft knock came at the door. There stood a decent looking doctor with quiffed hair and eyes the shade of crystals. "For Evan, I presume?" Connor nodded, reaching to shake his hand. "I'm Doctor Harris, it's a pleasure."

     "Connor Murphy," he says, sitting back down in the uncomfortable bench across from the hospital bed and reaching to hold Evan's hand. 

     "Are you 18 or older?" Connor nods. "I'm going to need you to sign a few things, just a couple of legal documents and stuff for our records. Unless his mom is with you...?"

     "She's uh- at work," he says awkwardly. The doctor nodded, jotting a few things down on his clipboard. "When will he wake up?"

     "Well, the amount of pills he took and the specific kind did have an enormous effect on his liver. We were able to retrieve about 80% of them but unfortunately not enough. For now, his body is just trying to cope with the dosage and so it's essentially using up all of it's energy for that purpose. That means however, that he is in a coma and there is a chance he won't wake up. That's what the uh, papers were for. We put him on the list for a new liver, so now all we can do is  wait."

     "H-He might... not wake up?" Connor stuttered, face as pale as a ghost. The doctor just nodded, excusing himself. A single tear dripped from his eye as his hands found Evan's, to his dismay not a drop of sweat lingered on the soft skin. 

     All my fault.

_____________________

A/N Ben's leaving and I'm not okay