You Will Be Found || dear evan hansen (connor x evan)

chapter fifteen

A/N I KNOW NO ONE READS THESE BUT THANK  YOU FOR 1K READS IT MEANS S O  M U C H TO ME

     Evan was discharged from the hospital at 10am the next morning. He was put on multiple medications to try and repair the damage done while still being conscious of the financial aspect of it all. It was noon now and Evan was on his way to Connor's house for what Connor called "a talk" and if Evan was being honest, it scared the shit out of him.

     Evan looked up with a stifled panic as the door cracked open to reveal Connor. His cheeks were visibly stained and cracked and red from crying; eyes bloodshot - partly from weed Evan presumed and partly from whatever caused a strong guy like Connor to hurt so incredibly badly. Evan's fingers shook as they embraced, feeling every inch of his body collide with Connor's in a beautiful kind of way. They pulled apart and the pair walked up to Connor's room. 

     "So," Evan started, trying desperately to climb himself out of this hole he's dug himself into. He almost didn't know where to look; struggling to catch his breath just at the thought of what Connor might want to talk about. I mean, what could it be? Was he breaking things off with Evan? Did he suddenly regret everything he said that night in the hospital? Oh god, Connor hates him. It's all your fault it's all your fault it's all your-

     "I couldn't sleep last night," Connor spoke. "I thought a lot about you, and about us, and how I really, really, really fucking hate being alive. And seeing you, all bandaged up and hurting, and having to think of taking care of you while I myself was struggling was a fucking rollercoaster in itself. Before I knew you I really was going to do it. I was so sick of being the outcast, the freak... I just wanted to be seen by somebody. I felt like I lost control of my future and of my body and my mind and everything I've ever known and it scared the shit out of me. You scared the shit out of me too, Evan. Cause here you are, innocent and happy and a little bit broken but not overly, and here I am trying desperately to float while I feel myself sinking and sinking without knowing how to swim... I was so scared. It was this weird in-between feeling where I was terrified of death and terrified of life and I didn't know which I liked better. When I saw you just lying there with your fingers limp and your lips blue I finally knew which I would rather have. I wanted to live, Evan. You made me feel alive again and I just don't know how to fucking describe how much it means to me."

     "I... didn't know you felt like that. I never wanted to burden anybody with my problems and you, you were the one good thing that ever happened to me. I didn't want to lose you so I knew if I did end up surviving all this that would be the thing that would kill me. Being lonely hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts so fucking bad and I just... I couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't want to," Evan spoke, wiping a tear with shaky hands as he spoke the truth for the first time in his life. "I barely had anybody and I didn't want to lose the only two people I had because I said something stupid so... I guess I just decided not to say anything at all."

     Connor sobbed into Evan's chest, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm so fucking sorry, Evan."

     "I d-don't know what to say," he whispered under his breath, feeling Connor's heartbeat collide with his own, pushing, pulling, beating against each other in a rhythm that made him feel as though he was drowning. He could feel a physical sense of pain leak out of him with every exhale; heaving through his body like poison through a bloodstream. The more he sobbed the lighter the stone in his chest grew. 

     "You don't have to."

     They fell asleep like that; each of them holding each other as if they didn't, the other would float away.